tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52199083074663716852024-03-12T19:40:44.185-07:00randomness and liferandom thoughts about my silly lifeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-87726324697814392622015-10-09T15:52:00.000-07:002015-10-09T16:35:35.019-07:00Abel's Birth StoryI know birth stories involving planned c-sections aren't as exciting as other birth stories. There was no moment when my water broke, no contractions that got stronger and stronger, no moment when I suddenly turned to Sam and said, "I think it's time!" But it's a birth story, and it's mine and it's something I want to remember. Also, it may help give someone about to have a c-section a general idea of what to expect.<br />
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Sam and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 on Monday morning. The nice thing about a scheduled birth is that there was plenty of parking at the hospital and zero traffic to worry about. It was very odd, knowing exactly when I would have my baby. I felt a little numb. Because there were so many emotions and feelings competing for space in my brain, I think my mind shut itself off to everything, making me feel almost nothing at all. I was on auto-pilot, to protect myself from being too scared or too overwhelmed. But I was definitely excited and so ready to meet this little man.<br />
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We got to our room and the nurses quickly hooked me up to an IV and began walking me through what would happen during the surgery. It was so helpful to have everything explained to me so thoroughly, and even though I've had a Cesarean before, it calmed my nerves to be informed about exactly what to expect. <br />
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Here I am getting warm air pumped into my hospital gown. Don't I look like a really happy whale?<br />
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One of the nurses told me she was on light duty because of a torn rotator cuff, which meant she'd still be in the operating room but wouldn't be too busy. She offered to take pictures of everything for me which was <i>wonderful</i>. It was so special to have this done because a blue curtain prevented me from seeing anything during the birth (which is good, because I'd most likely pass out if I saw myself cut open), yet I still have these images of Abel being born. And most hospitals don't allow anyone except hospital staff into the operating room, so I didn't have the option of those great professional birth photos I've seen on Pinterest. But iPhone photos are good enough for me.<br />
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They wheeled me into the operating room and gave me a spinal while Sam waited outside. My doctor, Abby, is amazing. She stood with me while I was getting the spinal and talked to me about Christmas, keeping me nicely distracted. Abby is the kind of doctor who makes you feel like she's your friend, not your doctor, and that you are the most important person. I'm so thankful she was the one to deliver Abel.<br />
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Soon I was laying on the table and they were setting up the partition. After determining that I was sufficiently numb, they let Sam come in. He sat near my head and started talking to me. They began the surgery around 7:45, and it seemed like it went super fast. I kept taking deep breaths, trying not to think about what was happening (I was being sliced open) or all the potential problems that might occur, and prayed constantly that everything would go well and Abel would be healthy. The anesthesiologist warned me that I might start getting itchy, and encouraged me not to scratch. I remember thinking that was weird. I also couldn't stop my teeth from chattering. I wasn't cold, but it was almost like my body thought I was, so I was shivering.<br />
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Here I am being cut open! ^^<br />
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All of a sudden, there was a slight uproar from my doctor and the nurses. I heard, "Did you see that?" "I've never seen anything like that before!" It didn't sound like it was anything bad, but when you're having major surgery performed, and a doctor is attempting to cut a baby out of you, it's a little alarming to hear things like that. My mind raced with what could have caused it - was this baby actually a girl? Was there a second baby inside? I tried not to panic, and thankfully one of the nurses poked her head around the partition and told me what had happened. Apparently as soon as they cut through the final layer, Abel's arm shot out of me, as if to say he was ready to come out. I said, "Like an alien trying to escape?" She said, "Yeah! That's exactly what it looked like!" And for those wondering, no, he didn't jump out and start performing "Hello My Baby." (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVZUVeMtYXc" target="_blank">Spaceballs</a> anyone? <-- click the link if you don't know what I'm talking about.)<br />
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Here's my little prince, straight from ma insides.<br />
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(I put this picture in black and white, so those with sensitive stomachs don't freak out over all the bloooood.)</div>
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They allowed Abel's cord to finish pumping, then cut it long and took him to be wiped off. Sam then cut the rest of the cord, and after determining Abel was breathing well and not in any serious trouble, they brought him to me and laid him on my chest. I couldn't stop crying with relief and crazy, crazy love. It is mind-blowing to have a new baby. This person was my tiny companion for nine months, and suddenly there he was, in the world. With both Ellery and Abel, I saw them as brand new people and <i>knew </i>them. They seemed so familiar to me, and I had the strangest sense of, "Wait, haven't we met before?" It's crazy the connection between mother and baby, and for me the intense sense of love and protection for this little person, this person my body worked so hard to grow and develop, is such a spiritual experience. (I know, I know, I'm such a cliche.)<br />
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The baby nurse said, "Tell me when you start to feel sick, and I'll take him away." I thought that was weird. What made her think I'd start to feel sick? A few minutes later, I said, "I think I'm going to throw up." She quickly took him over to be weighed and measured and cleaned up, and Sam came over to distract me. I don't know what it is about the process of being sewn up, but they said there would be a miserable few minutes and then I would feel better. They were right.<br />
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He weighed 9 lbs, 14 oz, just like Ellery, and was 21 and a quarter inches long. As soon as I didn't feel sick anymore, the nurse brought him back to me, and I so appreciated how quickly they had him next to me. The whole team was determined to keep him close to me as much as possible as soon as possible. That's what I loved about my doctor and my hospital; they were focused on what's best and healthiest for the baby, even in the event of a c-section. <br />
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Soon we were wheeled into the recovery room where Abel nursed. The baby nurse and another nurse stayed with us to keep track of our vitals and make sure Abel's blood sugar wasn't too low. His first couple readings were a little low so they just encouraged me to nurse more. Thankfully, my body knows how to nurse. And my babies know how to nurse. So he nursed and nursed and soon his blood sugar levels were in the safe zone.<br />
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After two hours in recovery, we got to go back to our room. I felt elated, and so thankful that everything was okay. I was also pretty tired, but enjoyed nursing Abel and watching Sam fall head over heels in love with his son. I couldn't believe how much he looked like Ellery. I think Ellery has changed so much since she was a newborn baby, but as soon as I saw Abel, it was like a flashback in time to Ellery's first days. When he cried and nursed and slept, I was reminded of her. And it made me so happy to think of how much they look alike already, and how happy I was to be giving her a sibling. It also made me miss her a lot.<br />
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The rest of the day was lots of time being checked on by nurses, and lots of nursing and cuddling and welcoming visitors. Ellery didn't want much to do with her brother, which seemed pretty natural for a nineteen month-old. She didn't understand why I was holding another baby, and just wanted me to hold her.<br />
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The hardest part was being separated in the hospital. My mom and Sam traded off taking care of Ellery and helping me with Abel. They brought her to the hospital as much as possible, and she had fun running around the halls. It was the first time I'd ever spent a night away from her since she was born. Fortunately, we only ended up staying two nights!<br />
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When I first got pregnant with Ellery, I had such high hopes of a natural birth. I really wanted the chance to try it. When that didn't happen, I hoped that I'd get to try a VBAC with Abel, and maybe have a natural birth the second time. After determining his head was a full 4 weeks bigger than it ought to be, my doctor told me she would support me if I wanted to try a VBAC, but said that with how big his head was, we would probably wind up having an emergency c-section, which is not as safe as one that is planned. I let go of those dreams of natural birth, and accepted that it's just not meant to be for me. If I tried to have natural births, there's a good chance my children or I would have had critical medical issues. I probably would have been one of the women that died in childbirth back before modern medicine made Cesareans possible. Or my babies wouldn't have survived. So for that reason, I'm thankful for the way my babies were born. After all, isn't a healthy baby and mother the end goal anyway?<br />
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My recovery was easy and quick. I had very little pain. The first time I stood up, which was the same day Abel was born, I didn't have any pain at all. I had two nurses standing next to me as I pushed myself out of bed, ready to catch me if I fell over from the pain. But I stood easily, happily surprised at how great I felt. I only had one moment when I had pretty strong pain, but that passed fairly quickly. It makes such a huge difference when the surgery is planned and you're able to rest beforehand, and not be on pitocin, because I think that's why I felt so great. Not to mention, I have two beautiful babies and my lady parts are still fully intact. Like, I can totally jump on a trampoline and sneeze without peeing my pants. So you know, pros and cons. C-sections aren't the <i>most horrible </i>thing in the world, especially when done at a hospital that is so focused on doing everything in the baby's best interest. <br />
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And now my baby boy is nine months old! And I can't imagine our family without him in it. We love you, little mister! So thankful you picked us.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-21862317308882369712015-08-16T15:34:00.001-07:002015-08-16T16:34:13.742-07:00ellery saysTwo year-olds say the funniest things.<br />
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A few of the latest things Ellery has said:<br />
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When Abel kept crawling toward her toys that she <i>did not </i>want him to play with, "Abel's a monster!"<br />
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Often if we tell Ellery, "You're a munchkin!" or "You're a monkey!" she answers with, "I not a munchkin, I'm Ellery!" But then she started saying, "I not a munchkin, I'm a panda bear!" No idea where this came from, but we're hoping it lasts.<br />
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While I was changing my clothes, she said, "Mommy, you're cute!" That did wonders for my self-esteem that day, and went a long way toward my accepting my flabby, stretch-marked, mom tummy. (Pretty sure Sam put her up to this one.)<br />
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Right before going down the slide at the park, she said, "Mommy, behave for daddy!" (Pretty sure Sam put her up to this one, too.)<br />
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When I asked her if she wanted to go to Target, she said no, which was strange, because she usually loves Target. I asked her where she wanted to go instead and, after thinking for a moment, she said, "Scotland." Hashtag futureworldtraveler.<br />
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This one is more sweet than funny. As I was tucking her in one night, she said, "Can you keep me safe? Can you protect me? Can you snuggle me to keep me safe?" Yes, my heart melted.<br />
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Abel has been practicing standing a lot, so I was explaining to Ellery that soon he'd be walking and running and playing with her. She bent down and got close to his face and said, in a very motivational tone, "Oh Abel, you can't give up!" <br />
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She's in a toddler bed now, so once when I was tucking her in, I put her comforter over her and said, "You're snug as a bug in a rug." Now she calls her comforter (and all other big blankets) a "snug-in-bug." "Where's my snug-in-bug?" "Put my snug-in-bug on."<br />
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Once when she was misbehaving, I scolded her and she started laughing. Frustrated, I told her, "Ellery, I'm serious, knock it off! I'm not playing!" She grinned mischievously and said, "<i>I'm </i>playing!" And she kept laughing and misbehaving. (I am totally in control as a mom. Also, that sound you hear is my own mother laughing. It seems I have a daughter who is as sassy as I was. Mom, if I haven't said it already, I'm sorry for my sassy mouth.)<br />
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Here's hoping she also gets my delightful sense of humor, that makes up for the sassiness, (Now that's Sam laughing.)<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-13799689684616520662015-02-05T13:58:00.001-08:002015-02-05T13:58:16.416-08:00A Spontaneous Thought on a Rainy DayHe wakes at 4:30 to nurse, and finally falls back to sleep at 5:30. Resigned, I get out of bed, knowing that I can either sleep a little longer or get a shower and a few minutes to myself before the chaos of the day begins. It's unlikely I'll get a shower if I don't take make the most of the opportunity. I make some coffee and read a little in my Bible, and in my book about mothering, while Abel sleeps next to me on the couch. Ellery wakes at 7, and the day officially begins. Between the two of them, I hardly have a moment to sit down. When I get Ellery in her chair for lunch, Abel is finally sleeping and there are toys and books and laundry covering the living room floor. The living room that was spotless in the still-dark hours this morning when I read my Bible and drank my coffee in the quiet. <br />
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It's rainy and gray, and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Yesterday seemed so productive, and I felt like I was able to give enough attention to Ellery and Abel. Today I feel like I'm failing both of them. The day isn't even half over and I feel defeated.<br />
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I lay her down for her nap, grateful that I can perhaps have a few minutes to eat lunch while they both sleep. But as I shut the door to her bedroom, I hear Abel stirring. Time to nurse again. Finally he sleeps again and I eat lunch, only to be interrupted by a crying girl. She still hasn't fallen asleep.<br />
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So I put down my salad and ignore those hunger pains in my stomach, and go get Ellery. The nurse in the hospital warned me that my oldest might regress and act like a baby again now that she isn't the baby anymore. But she hasn't started crawling again or resorted to baby talk. She's as smart and active as ever. No, the way she has regressed has been in sleep. <br />
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Sleep, easily the biggest challenge we've had with this girl. From the moment she was born, she hated sleep. It wasn't until now, having Abel, that I realize just how much Ellery struggled with sleep. Abel fell asleep during tummy time and I was shocked. He doesn't spend half an hour crying before falling asleep every single time. It isn't a battle to get him to go to sleep. And in talking to friends, I hear that Abel is fairly normal in this newborn sleep game. I knew Ellery had a hard time with sleep, but I didn't realize just how much of a difference it makes to have a baby that actually sleeps.<br />
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So during a life transition, she regresses to her biggest challenge. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's true of me, too. A big change, one that I didn't ask for or hope for, always seems to bring forth those parts of me that I struggle with the most.<br />
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Ellery is standing in her crib and says, "Rock baby?" Normally I'd say no, but today I just want her to nap. She has skipped her nap far too often in the past few weeks, and tonight she'll be up later than normal, so I need her to nap. I'm in that desperate, whatever-it-takes mode.<br />
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And so I pick her up and take her to the glider and we rock. And within minutes, my sweet, precious baby girl is sleeping. Her body feels so long across my lap, now that I have a newer baby to compare it to. I study her face, so innocent and cherub-like while she rests. And I think my heart will burst with how much I love her. She's growing so fast, and every time I look at Abel I think that it must have been just a few months ago that Ellery was his size. <br />
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And while I rock with her, I read on my Kindle a book that talks about giving thanks to God even when we don't want to, even on our bad days. Today feels like a bad day, but it really isn't. It's just a day that hasn't lined up in the easiest way for me, and it's normally a day that I'd call Sam to complain about. And then I lay her in her crib, and as I shut the door, I remember a poem I read on a friend's blog the other day. A poem about how we get so excited as parents for our babies' firsts, and we never know when we'll experience the lasts. <br />
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I cried when I read the poem, because it's so true. Right now I'm still in those precious years when my children are so little, and I know someday I'll miss these years. I'll miss Ellery's tiny baby voice, and the way her hand clasps my finger as we walk down stairs. I'll miss the way she says "Mommy." But probably more than anything, I'll miss the way it feels to have my babies fall asleep in my arms, as if I'm their ultimate comfort and place of safety here on earth. <br />
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And as I shut the door to her room, it hit me that God allowed at least one more time for me to rock her to sleep. I thought I'd already experienced the last time she fell asleep in my arms. Maybe this will happen again, or maybe this really was the last time. And if it is the last, I want to savor it and be thankful, rather than complain. No, she didn't fall asleep on her own the way I hoped she would. But there is still something to be incredibly thankful for - a sweet moment with my first baby, a memory I can recall and appreciate when she's too big to need her mommy to sleep.<br />
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Thank you, Lord.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-91645799323767348502014-11-11T22:42:00.001-08:002014-11-11T22:44:39.417-08:00Something RightIt started at the park.<br />
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Ellery went down the slide, normally one of her favorite things, but must have bit her tongue when she landed. She came up screaming, inconsolable, and when I saw the blood in her mouth, I knew she had reason to cry. She's generally a pretty tough kid, and doesn't cry when she falls, and we try not to make it too dramatic when she takes a spill, especially since she's inherited my klutziness. But this time I knew she was in pain, and she needed some comfort and extra love. As I held her close, I realized how cold her tiny hands were, and felt an extra rush of guilt that I hadn't dressed her in more layers. The bright sunshine today was deceptive - as is our second-floor apartment that always stays really warm. I hadn't realized just how cold it was outside and now knew it was time to leave the park, since my toddler really wasn't dressed warmly enough.<br />
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But you can't explain that to a toddler, who just wants to keep swinging and chasing the friendly bigger kids she's met at the park. Her bleeding mouth, along with her desire to stay and play longer outside, made it very difficult to get her into the car. She protested loudly, giant tears spilling down her cheeks, and I felt even worse. She hasn't had much time outside recently, thanks to her pregnant, sick mom and the rainy weather, so I wished we could have stayed longer, but I also knew it wasn't good for her to be in the cold without warmer clothes.<br />
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So we headed home. We played for a little while, then had dinner together. Sam had a work dinner, so I knew he wouldn't be home until after the baby was in bed, which was fine. We're no strangers to Sam having to work late. <br />
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But suddenly, after dinner, everything was wrong. Everything I did made her scream in frustration, and I couldn't figure out what she wanted or needed. She asked for milk, but then when I gave her milk, she started crying because I realized she wanted the empty milk carton to play with. She started putting pipe cleaners into a water bottle, then started screaming again when her little plastic cow from her farm set wouldn't fit through the tiny opening of the bottle as well. When I tried changing her diaper to get her ready for bed, you'd have thought I was performing a root canal on her. It wasn't normal for her; she can tend to get whiny, but never has these full-on scream-cry tantrums, especially not one right after the other.<br />
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I didn't know if she was just having a bad day, or if it's her age and her desire to express her autonomy, and if we are ushering in a new phase of our sweet little girl turning into an independent, defiant, (dare I say stubborn?) child. I'm praying it was just a bad day, because I'm not sure I'm ready to handle the terrible twos this early, especially with a new baby coming along next month. Whatever it was, it was rough. And to feel hugely pregnant with a stupid, lingering head cold, I didn't feel up to the task of being a gracious, patient mother. I finally got her into her pajamas and declared we'd start our bedtime ritual half an hour early, because her grumpy demeanor meant it was time for bed.<br />
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Once we were settled into the glider, reading her books with her milk and blanket, she was fine. She calmed down quickly, and sweetly snuggled in to me as I read several of her favorites. I turned off the light and started singing a few songs while we rocked, as is our routine, and then told her goodnight and laid her in her crib. Minutes later, she was screaming again. Frustrated that she hadn't quieted down and gone right to sleep (but recognizing that it was earlier than her typical bedtime), I went back in her room to rock with her a little longer, hoping she'd soon be sleeping, because I needed a break, too. As I rocked in the dark, holding my sweet babe, I went over the details of the day, thinking of all the things I wished had gone differently, the ways I wished I had reacted differently, all the while growing more and more irritated that she <i>still </i>wasn't sleeping.<br />
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And then, all of a sudden, into the darkness, Ellery spoke. "Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" No, the words weren't perfectly clear, but I knew that "Fo, fie, si, se-en, eight, ny, ten!" equaled her counting to herself. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I realized she was holding up her ten fingers. My frustration quickly melted into pride and overwhelming love, as I realized how fast she's growing up and how unbelievably smart she is. (Yes, I'm that parent that has no idea how smart other kids are, but I'm convinced my kid is brilliant.) <br />
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"Ellery, do you want to practice counting?"<br />
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"Yeah!" (Her "yeah's!" are currently one of my favorite things.)<br />
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For the next few minutes, we counted to ten over and over, and I was shocked by the fact that she knew all the numbers. When did this happen? She counted from one to ten all on her own (only once, and I'm sure I won't be able to get her to do it again for awhile), but I still couldn't believe it. I realized that she's learning and growing more every day, and observing and picking up far more than I realize. It reminded me that time is fleeting, and that she won't be my tiny baby for much longer. And that, though I often feel the opposite, I must be doing <i>something</i> <i>right</i>. <br />
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So for all you other moms out there in the trenches, in that phase when your children are small and still require <i>so </i>much help from you, you moms who feel like most of your time and energy is devoted to these tiny people, who have precious little time to yourself, and who feel that you are messing up, making mistake after mistake in your care for these little ones? <i>You're doing something right. </i><br />
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If you love your child and do whatever you can to help your child become who she's meant to be, you're doing something right.<i> </i><br />
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If you're a stay-at-home mom, putting your own dreams on-hold while your children are young, you're doing something right.<br />
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If you're a working mom who is trying to balance work life and home life, all while doing the heroic deed of helping to provide for your family, you're doing something right.<br />
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If you're a working mom who loves her job and works because she knows she's happier and healthier, and consequently a better mother because she works, you're doing something right.<br />
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If you're a mom who daily tries to make the best decisions for your child based on what <i>you </i>believe is right (not what the books say is right, or what your friends say is right, or what your mother or mother-in-law* says is right), then you are doing something right.<br />
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So relax, sweet mothers, because it's too easy to blame ourselves for these bad days. Sometimes bad days are just bad days. It doesn't mean we're failing, or we are doing everything wrong. We just gotta keep loving these babies, and loving ourselves, and most importantly, trusting in God through it all.<br />
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If we do that, we're doing something right.<br />
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*By the way, I'm lucky to have a mom and mother-in-law who are both amazing and gracious and have never interfered in the way I parent. The above was just a blanket statement that I thought some people might relate to. Love you, Mom and Noreen!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-92210263435612225392014-11-10T20:53:00.000-08:002014-11-10T20:53:05.321-08:00the big bad c-section monster (and why it's not that scary)I'm getting closer and closer to having another baby, and it looks like it will be another c-section. I really wanted to try for a VBAC (and I still may get the chance!), but the odds are looking like I'll have another huge baby. My gestational diabetes puts Abel at more risk, and so we can't wait around until 42 weeks to see if he'll come out on his own. Additionally, my doctor can't use certain induction drugs, so if he comes out on his own, before 40 weeks, it'll really have to be a miracle. (And believe me, I'm still praying for a miracle and think it's possible! But I'm also preparing myself for another c-section.)<br />
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Lately I've been thinking about women who were like me, who never wanted a c-section, but for medical reasons, were forced to have one. Unfortunately, many of these women end up dealing with postpartum depression because the birth of their child didn't go exactly "as planned". I am so grateful that I didn't deal with PPD at all, but I know that when you really hope for a certain type of birth, it's hard to let go of that mental image and let something else happen.<br />
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Because of this, I wanted to write a little about my experience so that people aren't so afraid of c-sections. It doesn't have to be the worst thing in the world. In fact, it can be the <i>best </i>thing in the world if it saves your baby. I don't want any woman to feel discouraged or like a failure because she had to have her baby cut out of her.<br />
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*Disclaimer: Obviously a natural, vaginal birth is ideal. If someone can safely deliver a baby, then they should never <i>choose </i>a c-section. All I'm saying is that sometimes, a c-section is necessary for the health and well-being of the mother and baby, and in those cases, it <i>is</i> the best option! And it's time for women to stop feeling bad about that.*<br />
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These are the misconceptions about c-sections that I want to correct, ideas and beliefs that scare pregnant women when the possibility of needing a c-section presents itself. I used to be naive, so I used to think these same things. But then I experienced a c-section for myself, and so now I'm experienced and educated. Here's the truth about c-sections, from someone who has actually had one. (Don't listen to people who've never had a c-section - they have no room to speak!)<br />
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1. Doctors and hospitals encourage c-sections when they aren't medically necessary.<br />
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This may be true for some doctors in certain hospitals, but that was in <i>no</i> way my experience. In fact, my doctor tried to encourage Sam and I to do one more day of labor induction before resorting to a c-section. I think the only reason she even agreed to the c-section was because of my diabetes, and the fact that it became more unsafe for Ellery the longer she was in the womb. If I hadn't had GD, she would have never agreed to do the c-section. It is unfair and untrue to insinuate that doctors <i>want </i>to do c-sections, and do them when it's not necessary.<br />
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2. C-sections are bad for the baby.<br />
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This might be the misconception that pisses me off the most. Because it implies that the mother has allowed something to happen to her child that is not in the child's best interest. (That untrue, guilt-ridden thought would send any new mother into a depression!) Obviously a vaginal birth is the best option, but the next best option is a c-section. In some cases, the only other option left is brain damage or death. To me, that sounds less appealing. People seem to forget that prior to modern medicine, childbirth resulted in the death of lots of laboring mothers and infants. And often it was because of complications during birth that could have been avoided if a c-section had been an option. Once Ellery came out, my doctor realized that she had been too big to possibly fit through me, and that if we'd tried laboring, Ellery probably would've gotten stuck in the birth canal, which would've resulted in terrible issues, possibly even death. After speaking with the staff at the hospital, I learned that in many cases of oxygen deprivation and major problems at birth, it was because the mother was so adamant <i>against </i>having a c-section, that the baby suffered. Issues can often be avoided if people listen to medical advice and let the doctors do their job of safely delivering a baby.<br />
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Additionally, Ellery has never experienced any side effects from the c-section. She's completely healthy, and has always developed perfectly normally, even being advanced in most areas. If you've ever spent time around my child, there's no way you could insinuate that she suffered any long-term affects from the c-section. (And if she has, she would have been some magical wonder child if I'd had her naturally.)<br />
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3. You're too drugged up during a c-section to remember anything about the birth.<br />
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This is ridiculous. I remember every single detail about Ellery's birth, vividly. I remember being scared, alone in the operating room while they administered the epidural, before Sam was allowed in. I remember the anesthesiologist at my head, walking me through what was going on, speaking in gentle tones. I remember Sam at my side, alternately looking at me and then at the surgery, watching as the doctor cut me open. I remember the pressure I felt as my midwife pressed on my chest to help the baby out while my doctor pulled her from me. I remember her first cry, and the complete rush of relief that flooded over me, and the tears that immediately came. They held her over me for a moment so I could see her before they weighed her, and I remember exactly what that view was like. I remember thinking she had the cutest little eyes. I remember my doctor exclaiming, "You're heavy!" when she pulled Ellery out, and all the nurses commenting on how big she was. I remember Sam being fascinated by my being sewn up, and my anesthesiologist telling me that I'd be back in bikinis in no time (and thinking that was really funny, since I've never had a pretty, flat stomach). I remember asking for her APGAR score, and, upon hearing how big and long she was, asking the nurse to repeat it because from what I knew of babies, 22 and a half inches was really long, and 9 lbs, 14 oz was really big. So no, I wasn't too drugged up to experience everything fully, and I remember exactly what happened, down to the smallest detail. (Like I remember the complete mortification of being totally naked and pregnant, lying on the table, while a male anesthesiologist and another male nurse were in the room. Obviously that whole "mothers have no shame after birth" thing wasn't true for me, because to this day I still remember how embarrassing it was!)<br />
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4. You can't bond immediately with the baby, like in a natural birth.<br />
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To be fair, this probably depends on the hospital you deliver at, as well as your doctor. I was lucky enough to be at a hospital that was very baby friendly, and they placed Ellery on my chest right away. As soon as they pulled her out, they held her over the partition so I could see her, then took her to be cleaned and weighed and measured, and to make sure there was nothing wrong. She was on my chest in less than two minutes of being pulled from my uterus. Sam was right next to me, and we just watched her look around, her sweet little face so close to mine. She stayed right on my chest while the doctor put me back together, and then we were wheeled into the recovery room. We were allowed plenty of time as just a family of 3, as I breastfed Ellery and she slept on my skin. I'm not sure what the protocol is for most hospitals, but they didn't even let my mom come in right away because they knew how important that bonding time was. The hospital in Portland where I'll deliver Abel is even <i>more </i>baby-friendly. I'll get immediate skin-to-skin time with Abel, even with a c-section, to encourage mother-baby bonding. (Apparently this hospital is so encouraging of breastfeeding that they don't provide formula unless <i>medically</i> necessary, and they don't even provide pacifiers.) So even with a c-section, the staff at this hospital has a goal of doing what is best for baby, which includes immediate skin-to-skin, mother-baby bonding, and breastfeeding.<br />
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If you can safely deliver your baby vaginally, that's wonderful! I'm truly amazed, because my body hasn't worked that way for me. But if, during your labor, something happens and your doctor suggests a c-section, please be open-minded. I really hope this post can help people realize that c-sections don't have to be something to be feared. <br />
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Yes, the recovery is painful. But so is labor, right? At least the pain from a c-section happens <i>after</i> you've had your baby, so your sweet little person can make everything better! (And at least it's your abs that hurt, and not your lady parts.) I'll admit, I did have a particularly good experience with my c-section, and not everyone recovers as quickly as I did. But just as there are c-section horror stories, there are vaginal birth horror stories as well. Some vaginal births go super smoothly - so do some c-section births.<br />
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Ultimately, I just encourage all pregnant women to be flexible with your birth plan. Remember that this is one of the first lessons in becoming a mom - that you have no control. You may have the illusion of control, but you really have no control. It's a great thing to have an idea of how you want things to go during labor, but if things change, you'll be happier if you can go with the flow and adapt. Because as any mother will tell you, those babies don't always cooperate out of the womb, either. And the more flexible you can be, the happier you'll be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-68273655458314152312014-11-02T15:40:00.000-08:002014-11-02T15:40:18.544-08:00Ellery and Halloween<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A tutu, handmade by a friend, a simple white onesie, and white tights. Fairy wings from the dollar store, and a ribbon crown bought at Enchanted Forest around her first birthday. Total cost about $10, a simple DIY Halloween costume. But on this little girl, it sparkled. My little fairy princess.<br />
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The other kids were much bigger and faster. Repeatedly they were told to slow down and wait for Ellery, who was running the whole time, laughing to herself, glancing up at her dad excitedly as we made our way from house to house. The first house included some confusion. She didn't know why she was carrying the empty Starbucks paper bag, or why the door was opened for her, so she just tried to walk in. At the next house, she meekly held out her bag, as the kind inhabitants placed a small piece of candy inside. By the third or fourth house, she'd figured it out, and was unabashedly reaching in to the bowls of candy to pick what she wanted. Granted, she had no idea what she wanted, having never tasted any of this candy before.<br />
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The joy was impossible to contain. She was giddy, and when I asked her if she got more candy, she yelled out, "CANDY!" She struggled any time Sam or I tried to carry her, saying, "Down, down," until we set her back on the sidewalk. She would then obediently reach out her hand for ours, and wrap her tiny hand around our index fingers while she raced to try and catch up with her cousin and friends. <br />
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It was a very family friendly neighborhood, and most houses were well-lit, with kind people inside who constantly commented on what a precious little fairy she was. One house was dark except for a glowing red light, and three people dressed in very scary looking skeleton masks were sitting on the porch, handing out candy. We skipped that house and I clenched my teeth, wondering why some people have to take it too far, and make a day that could be fun into something on the verge of evil. When you know you'll have young children coming to your house all night, what makes you think it's a good idea to be very scary? Not just creepy in a fun way, but scary? And similarly, why would you allow your <i>child</i> to dress in such a scary costume? We saw lots of Princess Elsas and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but occasionally there was the little boy in the demon mask, or the freakish-looking zombie makeup, and I can't help but wonder what these parents are thinking. I don't typically like to judge other parents, but in this case, I judge. Parents, quit dressing your kids up in such evil costumes. Who cares if that's what the child wants? You're the adult; say no.<br />
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Yes, there were some annoyances, but for the most part it was just a fun night. It was the sweetest thing to watch her experience something new, to figure out that most of the people were simply excited to see the children in costume, and to happily hand out candy. Personally, I got numerous comments about whether or not my belly was a costume. Yep, I really am pregnant, and no, I didn't strap on a fake belly just for Halloween. Sam and I just laughed and laughed at our little girl, who daily gets more entertaining and fun. It's the perfect age, and if I could, I'd freeze time right now. I want to keep watching her learn and explore and discover, to laugh when she realizes that she can fake a laugh, and that when she does, we laugh with her. I want to keep her at this age where she gives us sweet kisses and hugs, her little voice raspy as she repeats every word she hears. (I also prefer this age where we can dump her candy back in the bowl for more trick-or-treaters, and she is none the wiser.)<br />
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Last night was the first time in a long time I had fun on Halloween, and it was all because of Ellery. She really does make every experience <i>better</i>. The only thing I can think of that hasn't gotten better with Ellery around is sleeping, but I've slowly learned to live with far less sleep than I ever thought possible.<br />
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I'm going to relish these years when Ellery is still young enough to enjoy the simple, fun parts of the day, where it still feels okay and safe to go trick-or-treating. I still won't decorate my house, though I'm sure when Ellery is a little older she might want to carve a pumpkin. But I am going to enjoy these years, when I get to see everything through Ellery's eyes, and be reminded again of how fun and special life is, a wide open world ready to be discovered. This little girl has taken her cynical, somewhat jaded mother and made me softer, happier, and more content.<br />
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Thanks, baby girl. I don't think we could have picked a more perfect name for you, little Ellery, our "bringer of joy". You bring joy to everyone around you, every day. <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-87596037514192823562014-10-27T19:49:00.002-07:002014-10-27T19:51:35.339-07:00balance<div>
Balance.<br />
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Has anyone figured it out yet? I haven't. Some days I feel like I'm on top of everything. Okay, honestly, there have been maybe five days I can remember feeling that way. Most days my to-do list goes half undone.<br />
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After documenting our day on Wednesday, I was discouraged to see how little I actually got done. I felt busy all day, but in reality, most of the things I had hoped to do that day were left ignored. It's not for lack of trying; it's for lack of time. Or, it's for having a toddler that makes normal tasks take twice or three times as long. Take, for example, getting into the car. She's at the age where she insists on walking down our flight of stairs all by herself, which understandably takes much longer than it would if I were to just carry her down.<br />
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After reading my blog, I also started to feel a bit guilty. Guilty that I hadn't spent enough time playing with Ellery, that I was <i>too </i>focused on the other "chores" I needed to do. <br />
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And I realized I'll never have the perfect balance. Some days will be much more fun for Ellery, and will include play dates and activities and lots of undivided attention. Other days will include grocery shopping and cleaning and necessary household tasks. Some days I'll ignore those household tasks while Ellery naps and simply rest myself. <br />
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I've realized that my "balance" simply means my priorities change daily. And honestly, my priorities aren't always set by me; they are reflected in what needs the most attention <i>that day. </i>Take, for example, the past few days. Thursday included a strange nausea that hit whenever I stood up, which meant Ellery and I watched a lot of nursery rhymes on YouTube. Friday I felt fine, but Saturday and Sunday hit with a terrible sore throat and runny nose, with some lingering nausea that again had me laying down most of the day. Thank God for Sam, who took Ellery to church and to our small group on Sunday so that I could take a nap and try to get well.<br />
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When I literally cannot stand up because of feeling sick, my priority becomes my health. I'm responsible for another little life inside me right now, so I have to listen to my body when it tells me to slow down. Housework went undone and Ellery was likely bored most of the past few days because I had no other choice but to take care of myself.<br />
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Today Ellery was the priority. She must have decided to let me know that she was tired of my illness, because she was acting out <i>all day. </i>She spent about two hours screaming when I tried to get her to nap. So today, housework went ignored and all my attention was on the kid because I really had no other choice.<br />
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I've realized that for me, balance means doing whatever it takes to keep my head above water <i>that day</i>. When we run out of clean dishes to use, or run out of food in the freezer, the housework and errands will again be prioritized. And maybe tomorrow will be magical and Ellery will nap perfectly and I'll feel energetic and healthy, and I'll be able to accomplish enough to feel a little bit more on top of things, and a little less behind. I'm hoping I can feel caught up before this second baby comes, because I'm pretty certain adding another child to the mix won't exactly make things easier.<br />
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Speaking of this second child, I finally got around to sorting through some of his clothes today. This was the first thing I've done to prepare for the arrival of this little guy, which is funny considering that I'll be "full term" in six short weeks. By this time with Ellery, I'd had tons of crafts and decorations done for her nursery, I had obsessed over a baby registry, and we'd already set up some furniture in her room. From what I understand, this is pretty normal; with your first baby, you're uber prepared, and with your second, you finally start getting around to doing things at the very end of the pregnancy. At least I hope this is normal? I'm not really worried. As long as he has a place to sleep and something to wear, we should be fine. Oh, and maybe a few diapers. I'm trying to figure out how big this kid will be. With Ellery, I had to give all her newborn clothes to my sister, since Ellery was too big to fit into any of them. And my mom, who had gifted us with a bunch of newborn diapers, ended up taking those to my sister as well, as Ellery was too big for those. What if we have a normal-sized baby this time? What if he feels like a newborn? What if he could actually fit through the birth canal and I could deliver him like a normal person?! My mind cannot even fathom it.<br />
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What was this blog about again? Oh yes, balance. Okay, so am I alone in this? Is every other mom totally organized? Do your days go exactly as you plan them? Have you found a peace about it? I think I finally have. I'm okay with admitting I'm not perfect and that I never will be. Doesn't stop me from trying though!<br />
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I found this photo on Pinterest and thought it was hilarious and really fitting today.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-43615262185882528962014-10-23T20:33:00.000-07:002014-10-23T20:52:48.476-07:00A Day in the Life of this Mama<i>*I wrote most of this last night, so this all took place yesterday, October 22nd. It's actually funny reading this today, since today was completely different. But more on that later...*</i><br />
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There's a blogger named <a href="http://www.hollywoodhousewife.com/" target="_blank">Hollywood Housewife</a> who started a project called One Day HH. Basically the idea is to document a normal day in your life through photographs and post them to Instagram. You're not just showing off the fun, exciting parts of your life - it's just a snapshot of your real daily grind. I thought this was a fun way to keep up with my theme of living in the present, as this post will be a pretty accurate view of what my present life currently looks like. I didn't want to do it on Instagram, to avoid annoying all my IG followers, and I thought I'd put it here instead. Because no one is forcing you to read my blog, right?<br />
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I also thought it would be interesting because I know some people wonder what a stay-at-home mom does all day. I can't speak for all stay-at-home moms, but this is generally what I do every day. To be honest, today didn't involve a lot of activities out of our home because the weather is crazy gray and rainy, and Ellery has a bit of a runny nose, so I didn't want her outside. When the weather is nicer, we usually go for a walk, or go to the park, or at least go to the library or something. Today was more of a hideout-at-home sort of day.<br />
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Here goes! Also, all my pictures were taken on my iphone, and it was super dark and dreary today, so we had very little natural light. Needless to say, the photos aren't top quality.<br />
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First thing I did when I woke up? Made Sam's lunch. Super exciting. </div>
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Bible/prayer time while I drink my coffee and knit. I've learned that if I try to pray early in the morning, I fall asleep. Knitting helps keep my hands busy while I do some praying. Only got to do this about fifteen minutes before the little monkey woke up, though. Still, even that little bit got my day started off on the right foot.</div>
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Baby girl gets milk and a little <i>Baby Babble </i>time while I attack some dishes. I'm a morning cleaner. I'll totally go to bed with my house a mess, no problem. But in the morning, I've got energy and so that's when I clean!</div>
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While Ellery eats breakfast, I start my workout DVD. She actually enjoys watching it and tries to copy the movements with her arms. Funny kid. Sidenote: I would not be so diligent about exercise if it weren't for this silly diabetes. Believe me.</div>
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Had some fun playing in her room, and then she started throwing Willow's ball for her. It's pretty great when Willow plays with her. Would you believe me if I told you Ellery loves it? ;)</div>
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Reading books to settle her down before nap time. </div>
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While she sleeps, I start laundry. I'm beyond thankful that we have a washer and dryer in our apartment. While we were in Petaluma, Sam and I drove past the laundromat where I used to do our laundry, since our old place didn't have any hookups or machines. I can't imagine doing that now, especially with a baby, and it just makes me so very grateful. After living in that little home, with no washer, dryer, or dishwasher, I swore I'd never complain about laundry or dishes again. With modern conveniences, they're really not bad at all!</div>
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Fortunately, she slept long enough for me to finish my workout, take a shower, and chop some veggies in preparation for dinner. </div>
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I browsed Instagram while I had my apple and peanut butter snack. ^^ Then more dishes/straightening up the house/laundry. Living the dream, am I right?</div>
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My back was starting to hurt and I hadn't sat down much by this point, so I decided I'd go read during the rest of her nap. On my way to get my book, I heard a very angry little girl start to cry. We were both pretty bummed her nap was over.</div>
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But then Willow came to say hi, and Willow always makes things better. </div>
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Poor Willow. ;) Next was practicing counting on her abacus. I discovered she knows 5, 6, and 9. Had no idea she knew those numbers??? She played in her room while I cleaned out her closet. Packing up summer clothes and clothes that are too small always makes me sad, especially since I don't know if we'll ever be able to use these sweet girl clothes again.</div>
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Selfie before we head out to Costco! Gotta document what we wore, right? (Also, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop dressing like I'm a college student. I doubt it.)</div>
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Our very rainy drive to Costco. I've decided not to complain about rain, especially since I know California would love to have rain. So we were thankful for the weather today. Incidentally, I'm sort of in love with all the farms and fields near our home. Love this little town!</div>
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Rain can't get us down, yo! On rainy days, sometimes trips to Costco or Target are just fun excursions for the baby. She was particularly enthralled with all the Christmas decorations displayed at Costco today. Lots of snowmen and gingerbread men covered in Christmas lights. Luckily we didn't need a ton of stuff, so it wasn't so bad carting our stuff around in the rain.</div>
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Lunch!</div>
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At Costco I found some super fun faux leather leggings! While trying them on, I decided to check and see how big Abel is getting. I used to go to church with a woman who was completely disgusted by bare pregnant bellies. And to be honest, they used to weird me out. But after having one myself, I have realized how miraculous they are, and that makes them beautiful to me. So my apologies if you're grossed out by pregnant bellies. Just keep scrolling.</div>
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But seriously, I love this stage when he's moving all around, and rather than just feeling random movement I can tell he's kicking or punching. And how about them leggings?! I'm impressed, Costco! Just for the record, I will forever be an advocate for leggings as pants. They're super comfortable - why wouldn't you wear them as pants? Are you afraid of being happy? Plus, I can never find a good pair of jeans that actually fits! I blame my chicken legs and non-butt. But those traits happen to work just fine with leggings, so that's what I prefer. All you haters, keep hating, I'll just wear my Costco leather leggings.<br />
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Meanwhile, Ellery read to herself in her room while I unloaded our Costco haul and took ridiculous pictures of my belly. (I feel obligated to document her day as well, so y'all don't think I just ignore her while I try on clothes.) :)</div>
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Then Ellery tried to coerce Willow out from under the bed while I folded four loads of laundry. And no, Willow didn't come out from hiding. ;)</div>
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Next was a song and dance party in the living room. Super blurry picture, but she was spinning and loving it, and I had to capture it. Currently she loves singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "If You're Happy and You Know It"<i>. </i>She's also a major fan of playing "Ring Around the Rosie" and requests it by saying, "ashes, ashes," and pulling on my hands until I stand up and play. How do I resist that little love?</div>
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After more puzzles and books, it's nap time again for the monkey. And mama gets to test her blood sugar again. Yay.</div>
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I was feeling hungry and tired and my blood sugar was a little low, so I decided to take it easy and snuggle with Morty while I read and ate a gluten free pop tart. Seriously, gluten free pop tarts. Thank you, Jesus. Had to set my alarm for twenty minutes, because if I didn't, I'd have sat there reading all day.</div>
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Don't let his face fool you. He loves when I lay on him. He was totally purring.</div>
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Fortunately, Ellery took a great afternoon nap, so I was able to start dinner while she was sleeping. Typically, she's awake while I'm trying to cook, and really demands attention. She plays with tupperware in the kitchen with me half the time, but eventually starts acting up to get me to play with her. So I'm thankful for days when I can just get dinner together in peace. Not that I don't love playing with her; it's just hard to keep an eye on things on the stove when she's crawling out the cat door onto the balcony.</div>
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And when she woke - more books! She's pretty good about playing on her own, but she lets me know when she wants company. Plus, I like to use times like these to help her learn. We point out animals, do animal noises, point out colors and shapes, etc. I'm responsible for educating this little lamb for now, and I don't take that lightly. I know her brain is like a sponge right now, so I want to help fill it with as much knowledge as possible.</div>
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Sam had a work meeting, so it was just me and the kid for dinner. Post dinner, pre-bath are generally when she's most hyper. So while I straightened up her room, she ran around like a crazy child, mostly chasing Willow and trying to lay on her. Willow's such a champ. And I really can't blame Ellery for her obsession with cats and the deep-seated need to cuddle them. (See above picture of me and Morty.) </div>
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Pretty sure we both look forward to bath time the most. She gets a bath every other day, unless she's particularly dirty, and she <i>loves</i> playing in there. It's always a bit of a struggle to get her out. And I like having the chance to simply sit and watch her play. (Sitting is always very welcome when you're a pregnant, stay-at-home mom.)</div>
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Then we snuggled in our glider, baby smelling fresh and clean and perfect, and read books while she drank milk and clutched her blanket and stuffed cat. And that's another favorite part of my day.</div>
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Baby sleeps, and mama has herself a bowl of sugar-free salted caramel ice cream. Don't let the name fool you - this ice cream is actually not very good at all. But sometimes you just need ice cream, am I right?</div>
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Sam came home and I worked on this blog for a while, then went to bed because I wasn't feeling well. Exciting life, right?! It's pretty simple but I really love it.</div>
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And if you actually read this far and looked at all the pictures, I'm impressed. And maybe your life is less exciting than mine? ;) </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-71080228175595087962014-10-22T08:22:00.000-07:002014-10-22T08:22:31.702-07:00The Gestational Diabetes Monster (and why it's not that scary)My post today doesn't really have anything to do with my theme for blogging during October, but it's something that's been on my mind, so oh well.<br />
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Sometimes I feel like the poster child for the way someone <i>doesn't </i>want their pregnancy and delivery to go. It's as if I've become a "scary story" that make people afraid of ending up like me. I'm probably being a bit dramatic, but perhaps it is because I constantly have pregnant friends and family telling me, "I have my glucose test next week - I'm so scared I'll end up with gestational diabetes, like you!" Okay, maybe it isn't <i>constant</i>. But I do hear it pretty often. And I get it because I'm the same way. Whenever I hear a story that involves some sort of complication with pregnancy, I immediately think of myself and hope that I don't have to go through the same thing. That's why I don't watch the news - it's hard for me to hear about something terrible and not worry that it will happen to me.<br />
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So I just want to set the record straight. Gestational diabetes is not that bad.<br />
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Now please don't misunderstand. I don't mean it's not a big deal - it is, and it should be taken seriously. If you are diagnosed, you need to be sure to exercise and eat well to avoid your blood sugar levels getting out of control. It is something that should be addressed, but it isn't the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.<br />
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When I was diagnosed with GD while pregnant with Ellery, I thought it was the worst thing. And it <i>was </i>scary, meeting with the diabetic counselor who told me my baby was at a higher risk and that I needed to perform fetal kick counts to be sure her heart hadn't stopped beating in my womb. Definitely scary for a first-time mom. But this time, the diagnosis wasn't scary at all. I know what to expect, I know what to do, and I know that there are far worse things I could experience with this pregnancy. In fact, I'm starting to see the good sides of having gestational diabetes. It forces me to be a much healthier person, which is good for me and the baby. And, on a completely superficial level, it helps keep my weight gain under control. In fact, I'll start <i>losing </i>my "baby weight" during this trimester, which makes it that much easier to get back my pre-pregnancy body once I've delivered the baby. Kind of a nice bonus, if you're vain like I am. ;)<br />
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The thing that's worse about this pregnancy than my first is the timing. We'll probably schedule a c-section the day after Christmas. That means that during Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I'll be on a strict no sugar, low-carb diet. Not exactly the most fun during the holidays. But another thing I can be thankful for is not being able to be with family during the holidays! Weird thing to be thankful for, right? Of course I'd love seeing my family, but it'll be much easier to live without those holiday goodies if I'm not surrounded by them. I'll miss my mom's coffee cake and my mother-in-law's kringla, but since I won't be anywhere near those treats, I won't feel quite as deprived. One way I've been "prepared" for GD is having my gluten problem. Over the years I've gotten used to not being able to indulge in desserts, so missing out on cake, cookies, pie, or cinnamon rolls is no new thing for me. (See? Look at how many calories I'm saved from because of my gluten intolerance and diabetes! I'm so much healthier! So much to be thankful for, right?)<br />
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Ultimately, if anyone is reading this who is afraid of developing gestational diabetes in their pregnancy, let me set your mind at ease. Chances are, you won't. Interestingly, I didn't have many risk factors at all. I wasn't overweight before becoming pregnant, I wasn't in a high-risk ethnic group, and my only risk factor was that my mother's grandmother had diabetes. All the doctors and specialists I worked with always looked at me with this funny face when I met with them, wondering where my diabetes came from. A lifestyle change didn't make a difference, as I made it a point to avoid sugar and increase my exercise with this pregnancy. My dietitian's best guess was that it was because of my undiagnosed celiac. For some reason, that can lead to diabetes. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but unless you have a gluten problem like I do, I wouldn't worry.<br />
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The cool way pregnancy works is that the placenta steals some of your nutrients to help feed your growing baby. Hormones develop in later pregnancy to help you from having low blood sugar by resisting the effects of insulin. So when you're pregnant, your body makes more insulin to make up for that. Some women are unable to make enough insulin, which makes their blood sugar levels too high, which is the when gestational diabetes develops. So yes, you may end up being one of the lucky few whose body just can't make enough insulin to make up for the crazy way your hormones are working. But odds are in your favor. So no need to worry.<br />
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And if you <i>do </i>end up with gestational diabetes, realize it's not the most terrible thing ever. You'll eat much better, exercise more, probably have more energy, and won't gain as much weight. It's annoying to have to test your blood sugar four times a day, and very annoying to see pregnant women who eat a much worse diet than I do somehow avoid getting GD. But there are lots of annoying little things about pregnancy. Just enjoy every little kick from your baby, and remind yourself that it's only three months of your life. Then you'll get to enjoy a lifetime with the little person inside you, the little person who is totally worth three months of being on a "diet" during pregnancy.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-70181317138880760902014-10-20T17:53:00.000-07:002014-10-20T17:53:12.002-07:005 Baby Products I Couldn't Live WithoutThere are so many different mothering styles, and I am a big believer in finding whatever style is right for <i>you</i>. Don't try to be another type of mother; be you! That's the reason God gave you the babies He did - because they needed you and all your specific traits and idiosyncrasies.<br />
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It took me precisely one year and one week of motherhood to figure this out. I always thought I wasn't organized enough as a mother. Other moms had their babies on schedules, and had textbook <i>Babywise</i> babies, or still others were working moms and seemed to somehow do it all. Meanwhile, I didn't work outside the home and still couldn't manage to keep the house clean. I heard a lot of moms almost brag about how <i>tough </i>they were as moms; that if their kid fell down, they didn't really coddle them for fear of babying them too much, or they had no problem letting their kids "cry it out". As a new and completely insecure mother, I thought I must be babying Ellery too much. Part of my personality is nurturing (hello, I would rescue <i>every </i>shelter animal if I could), and as a mother I was very nurturing. Hearing people talk about how tough they were made me think I was doing something wrong.<br />
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Then at one year and one week old, <a href="http://www.kimberlyswenson.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-little-girl-and-really-hard-night.html" target="_blank">Ellery had her seizure</a> and I stopped caring if other moms thought I was too soft. I stopped comparing myself to those moms, and realized that I was the perfect mama for Ellery, just as I was. That doesn't mean I don't have room to grow, or that I always make the best decisions for Ellery. It just means that I finally found my confidence as a mother. I realized that what we went through was tough, but I survived, and that God gave me the tools I needed to mother her through that scary time. And I realized that when you watch your one year-old have a seizure, you quickly realize that being <i>tough </i>isn't all it's cracked up to be, and you nurture and comfort your scared baby as much as possible.<br />
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Wow...that was a really long tangent that sort of came out of nowhere. Here I meant to talk about alternative necessities for moms of little ones, and somehow ended up with the above paragraphs. Sorry. All that was meant to say that my style as a mom is more the baby-wearing, cloth-diapering, essential-oil using style. (You can say I'm a hippie, but trust me, I've known some hippies and I'm not nearly hard core enough to be a hippie.) Below are some really great products I've loved as a mama, that fit my style, and that aren't necessarily things you'd normally find on baby registries. If you find yourself as the same sort of mother, or if you're pregnant and have no idea what type of mother you'll be (like I was!) then hopefully these can be good ideas for you!<br />
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<b>1. Essential Oils</b><br />
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I didn't start using essential oils with Ellery right away, but once my friend Marci told me how well they worked with her little boy, I tried them and have never gone back. As most of you know, Ellery was not a good sleeper at all, so we started using Lavender on the bottoms of her feet, and got increasingly longer naps and nighttime sleep as a result. I recently started using Cedarwood instead of Lavender and am getting even better results! You can also diffuse these oils into the nursery, which I intend to try once I buy a diffuser. We've also used Onguard, which helps keep illness at bay. Once we took Ellery to visit Marci's family, and she developed a cold right when we got to their house. Naturally, I felt horrible that I'd unknowingly brought my sick baby around her baby. Ellery played with Caleb and slobbered all over his toys, but still Caleb didn't get sick! In fact he didn't even get a cold or fever at all during his first year! That's when I really got into using Onguard, because Marci faithfully used it on Caleb and it clearly worked. Clove has been extremely helpful on Ellery's gums when she's teething, and Melaluca is great for diaper rashes! (Especially if you cloth diaper and can't use diaper cream.) Melaluca and Clove are also great for little cuts and scrapes on little ones (or, in Ellery's case, minor cat scratches). And as a mother, I've been loving Balance, which totally helps mellow out my crazy hormones. I just put a little bit on the bottoms of my feet and behind my ears and somehow the little things that normally send me into a frenzy aren't that big of a deal! I <i>highly</i> recommend essential oils to mothers of little ones. We use doTERRA, but I've also heard good things about Young Living. But whatever you do, don't buy the cheap ones at the health store - get good, quality oils, because that makes all the difference! (If you're interested in trying out oils, comment below and I can get you some.)<br />
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<b>2.</b> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Babble-Speech-Enhancing-Toddlers/dp/B00HV41OIU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413846860&sr=8-1&keywords=baby+babble" target="_blank">Baby Babble</a><br />
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This DVD has been a lifesaver. It was developed by two pediatric speech pathologists, whose job it is to help toddlers learn to speak. The DVD teaches babies simple sign language and words, and even has parent tutorials to show parents what they can do at home to help their kids with their speech. <br />
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I really don't like Ellery watching television, so for most of her first year, she never watched it. Every now and then when I really needed her to just sit still, I'd let her watch a little bit of this DVD. It quickly became obvious that she <i>loved</i> it. In my first trimester of this pregnancy, when we were also packing and preparing to move, I was desperate for time to just rest or get some packing done, and Ellery watched more of this than I intended. I started feeling guilty for letting her watch it once a day, but then suddenly realized her vocabulary started to explode. She started mimicking mine and Sam's words, and surprising me by knowing words I didn't teach her. I realized that I had <i>Baby Babble</i> to thank, and felt so much better about letting her watch it. Rather than sitting her in front of mindless entertainment, she was being educated, and I was able to get us moved, without feeling guilty. I <i>highly, highly, highly </i>recommend the Baby Babble DVDs for all mothers, regardless of your parenting style!<br />
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<b>3.</b> <b>Baby Carriers</b><br />
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This is one you probably <i>will</i> find on baby registries, but I wanted to talk about a few carriers in particular. First, the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Moby-Wrap-Original-Cotton-Carrier/dp/B000OY539A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413847474&sr=8-1&keywords=moby" target="_blank">Moby</a>. The Moby did not work for me. But! It worked for Sam. Unfortunately, the Moby ties around your waist right around where my cesarean scar is, so when I tried carrying Ellery in the beginning, it was too painful after my surgery. Not to mention, she was born in late May, so carrying her got really hot. I'd be sweating and she'd be sweating and we'd both be crying when I used the Moby. But for some reason, when Sam used it, she loved it and went right to sleep. We eventually got an <a href="http://www.amazon.com/ERGObaby-Original-Baby-Carrier-Teal/dp/B00I6I5XI2/ref=sr_1_3?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1413847514&sr=1-3&keywords=Ergo" target="_blank">Ergo</a>, which both Sam and I loved and used a ton. I'd walk Ellery around the neighborhood in it, and Sam would use it to get her to sleep when we weren't home to put her in her crib. It wasn't painful on our backs or shoulders, and was fairly easy to use. It is more expensive than the Moby, but we easily got our money's worth. <br />
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Ellery wasn't a big fan of strollers, so baby carriers were huge for us. Not to mention, it's much easier to navigate while wearing your baby, rather than trying to push a big stroller around. Studies also show that babies who are worn are generally happier and cry less. In her first year, when Ellery was particularly fussy, I'd put her in the Ergo and she'd calm right down. It's so important for bonding with Daddy, too! I'm a big believer in the importance of human contact, and I love this easy way of connecting with my baby while also having my hands free to do things around the house.<br />
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With Abel, I'm hoping to try the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00NQ6RHHY/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944579862&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B008UCQ3N8&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1Y839JRT0G8692DK04C7" target="_blank">Sakura Bloom ring sling</a>. You can use it from newborn all the way up through toddler years, and you can even breastfeed in it. It doesn't tie around the waist like the Moby, so I'm hoping I'll be able to use it right away, even if I have another c-section. I've heard lots of great things about this sling, so hopefully I'll be able to use it and review it once Abel is born.<br />
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<b>4. Baby Moccasins </b><br />
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I <i>love </i>baby moccasins. They are the only shoes Ellery will consistently keep on her feet without trying to take them off once we get in the car, or while we are walking in the middle of the grocery store. I didn't put Ellery in shoes until she could walk, except for soft booties to keep her feet warm. Once she started walking, we got some moccasins from an Instagram shop and have loved them! There are tons of shops to try, but we have used Littlelookershop and Mybeautifulittleshop moccasins and both are great. They run about $30-40 per pair, depending on the size and style. You could always buy Freshly Picked moccasins, but I'm kind of a cheap skate and couldn't justify spending $60+ on baby shoes, especially because you get the same product from other shops for half the price. I know for some people it's more about the status symbol, but I don't care much about that. (Neither does Ellery.) Also, I'm pretty sure Sam would have a heart attack if I spent that kind of money on Ellery's shoes, or if I spent that much on a pair of shoes for myself! Seriously, we're cheap. Anyway, once your baby starts walking, baby moccs are fabulous!<br />
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<b>5. Baby Led Weaning</b><br />
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This isn't really a product, but more of a trend. We didn't start this with Ellery right away, but I found some information about it on Pinterest, tried it, and loved it. We will definitely be doing Baby Led Weaning right from the start with Abel. Basically it just means you skip the whole baby food phase. No purees, just regular food. Typically babies start eating solids around 4-6 months, and at that age most of their nutrients and calories are coming from breast milk or formula, so feeding isn't so much about them getting enough food as it is about experimenting with eating. <br />
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I'm just a fan because BLW was <i>so much easier. </i>At first I was making all of Ellery's food in our Vitamix, which wasn't a ton of work, but still extra work with a baby. Once we started BLW, I'd fix the same thing for Ellery as I fixed for me and Sam. If we were having chicken curry with potatoes, so was Ellery. If we were having tacos, so was Ellery. (Or rather, she was having taco ingredients, like black beans, olives, and avocados.) The idea behind BLW is that babies learn to chew first, rather than simply learning to swallow, like with pureed baby food. In this way, it helps babies learn that they need to chew first, which reduces the chances of choking. (If a baby is used to swallowing purees, then is suddenly given a cracker, he might try to swallow it and start to choke.) You can give your six month-old baby any (healthy) soft, small piece of food, and they can learn to feed themselves. If you can easily squish the food between your thumb and forefinger, the baby can easily mash it with his gums. In the beginning, Ellery's favorites were avocado, black beans, and bananas.<br />
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Babies also learn how much they need to eat, and learn to regulate their hunger that way. Rather than stopping once the baby food jar is empty, they stop eating when they're full. It also helps them learn to eat flavorful foods right from the beginning, which can help them be less picky eaters later on. As I said, Ellery ate exactly what Sam and I ate, and I was just careful not to use too much salt. It even helped me fix healthier meals for Sam and me, since I wanted to be sure Ellery was eating as healthfully as possible. <br />
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BLW is much cheaper because you're not buying additional baby food, you're just sharing your meals with your baby. You also don't have to worry about spoon-feeding your baby, which allows you to sit and enjoy your meal along with baby. It gives you some free hands and baby learns confidence as she realizes she can feed herself! Win win. Of course, some things still need to be fed, like yogurt or cottage cheese. But for us, the experience with BLW was a great one! For more information and ideas, <a href="http://www.babyledweaning.com/" target="_blank">click here</a>.<br />
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Okay, so this post became much longer than I intended - sorry! It's just something I've been thinking about as I'm trying to compile a list of things I'll need for Abel. I remember how overwhelming it was to register was when I was pregnant with Ellery, so I thought I'd put together a list of things that have been invaluable to me! Things that aren't necessarily on everyone's radar. Hope this was helpful to some new or soon-to-be mamas!<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-31819750262336548372014-10-18T03:23:00.002-07:002014-10-18T03:23:51.732-07:00<br />
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We have been home from vacation since around midnight on Tuesday, but I'm finally getting around to writing. I have finished all the unpacking, laundry, and restocking of our refrigerator, so I'm ready to resume normal life again after having been gone for a week. Vacations are wonderful, but is anyone else ever thankful to get back on a normal routine again? Or rather, is anyone else ever thankful to get their child back on a normal sleeping routine again?<br />
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We loved our visit to California - loved, loved, loved it. I'll write more about it in some upcoming posts, but for now I'll just talk about what's most "present" on my mind as I sit here on the couch with two sleeping cats at 3 in the morning. Pregnancy. Because right now it's a little hard to forget that I'm pregnant.<br />
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I have a very active little dude hanging out with me 24/7 right now. Now, tell me something. Does every ultrasound technician mention how active the baby is? Because during Ellery's ultrasound, they kept saying that she was a total mover, and that has proven to be true outside the womb as well. The tech said the same thing about Abel - that he was moving so much it was hard to get the measurements she needed. I'm sort of hoping this is merely a blanket statement said to all moms, because if it turns out I have <i>two </i>active babies, I'm going to be a little tired. Also I will think God has a sense of humor, if He gave two very active people to a mostly lazy mom.<br />
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It's interesting being pregnant the second time around. During my first pregnancy, everything was (obviously) so new. And I didn't know if anything was normal, and didn't know what to expect. This time, I sort of thought I knew what to expect. For the first two trimesters, everything was basically the same as when I was pregnant with Ellery. I felt pretty much the same, except that my symptoms weren't as strong. Since breaking into third trimester territory, I've noticed some differences.<br />
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Number one: heartburn. Never had it before in my life until the last three weeks of pregnancy with Ellery. Little dude has decided to give me heart burn for the entire last trimester. Thanks, buddy. Number two: sciatica. This lower back pain is sort of kicking my butt, and I feel like I'm already beginning to waddle out of pain, rather than necessity. Or maybe not waddle, but definitely limp. Fun. And finally, the way I carry him. I generally carry my babies in my ribs, since I have little to no torso space. I'm still carrying this little guy pretty high, but also all over. Ellery was <i>all </i>in my belly, but Abel is changing my body composition all over. I know this because of how all my maternity clothes are fitting. Here's the problem, is that I thought girls were supposed to be harder to carry than boys. Like, I thought it was girls who stole their mom's beauty, and made the mama super uncomfortable. That's why, when I found out this was a boy, I was thinking maybe my pregnancy would progress a little easier than my first, but that hasn't been the case. This hasn't been a pleasant surprise. I blame all the people who've said it's harder to carry girls. They're all filthy liars. Way to get my hopes up, jerks. (Sorry, that's my tired, hungry, 3am self talking.)<br />
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Having said that, it really has been a fairly smooth, easy pregnancy. I'm not meaning to complain; this is just how I'm feeling. And this is my reminder that no pregnancy is typical, and each pregnancy is different, even in the same woman. <br />
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The wonderful thing is that this time, it's flying by. On Wednesday at my doctor's appointment, she said, "See you in two weeks!" and I said, "Already?! So...I'm having this baby soon." Which is always a delight when you are in the third trimester and not as comfortable as you'd like. I am in no rush, however, as I'm trying to simply soak up my time with only my girl. Life is going to change dramatically for the Swenson clan come December, and I know things will get chaotic for a while. Looking forward to it, but in no rush.<br />
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And now we've come to the end of this very pointless blog, in which I rambled about growing a human. I wish I could promise that the rest of these October blogs will be more poetic and insightful, but the truth is they might be more more of my pointless thoughts. So if you unfollow this blog, no hard feelings, 'kay?<br />
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Goodnight!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-9906724634575373612014-10-10T21:31:00.004-07:002014-10-10T21:32:40.177-07:00here i amHi friends! You've probably been wondering why I haven't been updating my blog every day like I said I would. (All three of you reading, ha.) The truth is, we spent Tuesday and Wednesday traveling, and I didn't have access to a computer. And now that we're here at my parents', spending time with family, I actually want to <i>be present in each moment</i> and enjoy this time. So...I might still blog a few times over the next few days, but spending time with family is a bit more important to me. I'll do an extra week in November to make up for missing days this week...how's that sound?<br />
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Meanwhile, hope everyone else is having a spectacular week!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-4867739717366462182014-10-06T19:49:00.002-07:002014-10-06T19:49:38.659-07:00i'm not one of those people who loves being busyThe husband, baby girl, and I are headed down to California tomorrow. We are probably meeting little Abel the day after Christmas, which means I won't be able to travel down to see my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. So we decided to make one last trip to see my side of the family before the little mister is born, since we'll be missing out on the holidays with them, and celebrate my dad's 60th birthday while we're at it. (I know, who can believe my dad is almost 60? He's shaping up to be a cute old man, though he still has about ten years or so before I'll consider him "old". And you know I love a cute old man.) We also get to go to a wedding for some friends from Petaluma, which we are very excited about. We love our Petaluma people, so we love when they get married and give us a chance to go see them all. And every time we go, it makes us want to move back - it happened with Adam and Elise's wedding, and Devan and Hannah's. After Craig and Hannah's wedding we <i>did </i>move back. Apparently that was a fabulous wedding. ;) We're also squeezing in a visit with James and Monica, two of our favorite people. They were there throughout mine and Sam's entire relationship, and even filmed our engagement. We can't wait to hang out!<br />
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So ahead of us we have eight days of fun, family, and friends. Why is it that getting ready for vacation in itself makes one <i>need</i> a vacation?<br />
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Today wasn't terrible. It was actually a pretty good day, overall. It's just that I had a ton to do to prepare for our trip. Errands to run, a house to clean, and bags to be packed. I don't think I sat down once all day, except when reading to Ellery before her nap. And I have a lovely pain in my lower back that is making it exceedingly difficult to walk. (Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to twist around and pop my back. As soon as this kid is outta me, I'm doing it.) On top of that, when Sam got home he unknowingly dragged in some tar on his shoes. So I quickly googled how to clean that up, and now I <i>think </i>the carpet is saved. I still have packing to do, and dishes to wash, and I desperately need a shower before we leave early tomorrow morning. Basically, this vacation is more than welcome.<br />
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I kept wondering today how you're supposed to live in and appreciate the present when you feel overwhelmingly busy. When you don't even have time to sit still or think about anything other than your unending to-do list. And I don't really have an answer, to be honest. All I can say is that I tried to let things roll off my back (my stupid, messed up back), and tried to see the great things about today. I took pictures of my sweet little one whenever she did something cute or funny, and hugged her when she cried. I prayed for Sam while I ironed his work shirts, and thanked God when Ellery behaved during our trip to Target.<br />
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Don't get me wrong - I was no where near perfect in my attitude today. I grumbled when I found the tar on the carpet, and got frustrated when Ellery climbed outside through the cat door for the fifth time in a row. But I found that trying to remember that this day is fleeting and <i>would </i>eventually end really helped me keep things in perspective. I tried to remember how blessed I am to have been given another day with my sweet family. I reminded myself that tomorrow Ellery will be a little bit older than she is today, so I wanted to savor this day with her. I thanked God that we have the opportunity to go on vacation this week.<br />
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What do you do when you're crazy busy? How do you handle the stress and still enjoy the day, without wishing it would simply end? Anyone have any tips or tricks?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-83939329721551339712014-10-05T20:58:00.005-07:002014-10-06T19:25:09.627-07:00The Good and BadAs a mother, the hardest thing about living in the present is accepting the good things along with the bad. I often wished for Ellery to hurry and get through a phase, but then once it was gone, I missed it and wished I could get the time back. The newborn phase was really hard for me, and I remember feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and praying for the day she was 3 months old. And now as I look back at photos of that time, all I can think about is the sweet scent of her tiny head, and the way her body snuggled up so perfectly to mine, how completely smitten I was with my new baby. One of my friends once told me that at the end of weddings she's always jealous of the bride and groom because she knows how sweet and fun their honeymoon will be. And I feel the same for brand new parents; it's a sweet honeymoon of getting to know the little person who you've been waiting nine months to meet. I get a little jealous whenever I hear that someone just had a baby, knowing what a precious sliver of time that is. I know not everyone has that experience, but for us, the first 3 weeks were absolute bliss. <br />
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This whole lesson of accepting the good along with the bad in order to fully appreciate the present doesn't just apply to motherhood. When I was engaged, I was so excited to marry Sam that I impatiently counted the days until our wedding, trying to stay busy in order to make the time pass more quickly. Looking back, I realize what a <i>fun </i>time of life that was. I was living with one of my best friends in my favorite area ever (um, Sonoma county), surrounded by great friends and people. I was in love and planning my wedding. Life seemed pretty carefree - going out on dates with my fiance, having dance parties and pomegranate martinis with Bree in our apartment, going to French restaurants in San Francisco, numerous Giants games, and lots of late nights at Volpi's. And yet all I wanted was to be married. Then once we got married, our circumstances were pretty rough. Being married was fun, but we moved away from our beloved Petaluma, away from our group of friends, and we both had jobs we didn't like, with schedules that made it so we hardly saw each other. I wish I had appreciated that engagement period far more than I did, because once the time arrived that I'd been wishing and wishing for, it was much harder than I thought it would be.<br />
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I had so much fun becoming a mother that I couldn't wait to have another baby. I was ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant, and loved the idea of Ellery having a sibling so close in age. And, as many pregnant women do, I wished that the first trimester would hurry and fly by so I'd get my energy back and feel a little more "safe" in the pregnancy. Now that I'm starting my third trimester, I just want to stop time. I know how overwhelming it will be having <i>two </i>children, and it's finally hitting me how hard life is about to become. I know it will be wonderful, but there are also so many things about this time of life I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss being able to give Ellery my full attention, and I'm going to miss being able to easily leave the house. This pregnancy is simply moving too fast for my taste, and even though I wished it would hurry in the beginning, now I'm wishing it would slow down.<br />
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I've learned that I want to cherish each day and each stage of life, no matter what that means. There are good things and bad things in every day, and to wish away a certain season is unwise. It's funny how many people are wishing and wishing for fall weather up here in Oregon, when I know that pretty soon, everyone will be wishing away all the gray days and rain. Come next May, everyone will be more than ready for the beautiful, sunny days, and yet few people seem satisfied with the extra sun and warmth we are getting right now. But the truth is, we don't appreciate the summer as much without those gray days, at least not up here. And I'm even learning to appreciate the rain, especially as so many of my loved ones are currently enduring a terrible drought. <br />
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For me, properly living in the present involves being thankful for each moment. It means living gratefully in each day, welcoming whatever may come. So for now, that's what I'm practicing. Because honestly, the past wasn't as good or bad as I remember, and the future doesn't necessarily mean things will be better or worse than they are now. The future will bring it's own set of problems and wonderful times, so for now I'll just focus on today.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-24678686329014107172014-10-04T20:23:00.001-07:002014-10-04T20:23:54.754-07:00Some InspirationI'm feeling a little dry today, and don't have a lot of time to do a free write and figure out what to say about being present. So I thought I'd simply include some things that have inspired me with this blog series. All images found via Pinterest. <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-77801644430390397772014-10-04T20:23:00.000-07:002014-10-04T20:23:41.022-07:00Unplugged<i>*I wrote this yesterday and completely forgot to publish it. So we'll have two blogs tonight.*</i><br />
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Today was about trying to unplug. It's really hard to live in the moment when my head is down, staring at my phone.<br />
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I remember back before I had kids, when I noticed that lots of stay-at-home moms were on Facebook a lot. I admit I judged them, wondering if that's what they did all day. But once I had Ellery, I realized that whether you're nursing, or rocking a baby to sleep, it's nice to have something to look at while you're just sitting there. I don't have Facebook anymore, but I spend my fair share of time looking at Instagram, blogs, Pinterest, and googling the best stroller. (Speaking of which, I have no idea what stroller to get. Do I get a double stroller? Or a nice single? Should I get one that goes with my car seat? Help, moms.)<br />
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Usually I justify my time spent on my phone. I'm looking up ideas for dinner on Pinterest so that I can plan our meals. That makes me a good stay-at-home mom, right? Or I'm researching different ways I can incorporate Montessori at home. Or I'm reading blogs about how to be a better mom. A lot of times I'm even reading devotionals or my Bible on my phone. No one can fault me there, right?<br />
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But where I feel convicted is when I'm busy on my phone when I should be spending time with my daughter. Now I want to be clear that I am in no way making a judgment about anyone else. I'm not trying to tell others to spend less time on their phones or their computers or watching television. If you are comfortable with the balance you've set with those things, fabulous. But I'm not.<br />
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I think it's fine when Ellery has occupied herself with something, and I don't want to interrupt her playtime. Or, of course, whenever she's sleeping. But it's when I'm on my phone and realize she's looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish so that she can have my attention again, that I feel terrible. I don't want her to remember her mother as someone who was always more interested in her phone than in her. <br />
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And how much do I miss when I'm on my phone? Ellery is pretty independent and plays well on her own, but there are times I simply watch her pretend to read to her animals, or play with her blocks, and I'm fascinated. She has such a great imagination and such a sweet nature, and I <i>love</i> having a front row seat to watch her grow. Lately I've been trying to memorize the way her little voice sounds, filled with inflection while she babbles to her animals. And the way her hair curls at the base of her neck. Or the way her eyes light up when she carefully stacks blocks on top of one another. It's not only a matter of Ellery missing out on a present mother; it's a matter of <i>me </i>missing out on special memories of my firstborn. I've only been a mother for sixteen months, but I can say without a doubt that time goes way too fast. And I'll never get these days back, when Ellery wants to play ring-around-the-rosies with me, and can fit through the cat door. <br />
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So for me, I want to make it a point to unplug more often. All the things I can look at on my phone are good things; there's nothing wrong with them. But good things in excess can be bad. And I just want to find a better balance of taking time for myself to look at things that interest me, and focusing on being a good, present mother.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-71720323203082737712014-10-02T21:51:00.001-07:002014-10-02T21:51:38.311-07:00Dealing with Hurt TodayToday started out beautifully. Ellery girl slept in until 7:45. 7:45! That's unheard of. Her sleeping has gotten astronomically better since she was about seven months old, but she isn't a naturally good sleeper. I attribute her long night of sleep last night to my dear lavender essential oils. I used them religiously when Ellery was young and I was desperate for more sleep, and they worked well. Then somehow I got out of the habit of putting her oils on. She recently started waking up in the middle of the night, so last night we used the oils again. And, success!<div>
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Isn't that funny, when you remember something that used to work for you and try it again, and it still works? And you think to yourself, why did I ever stop doing this? That's how good habits are for me. Specifically, eating healthy, exercising, budgeting our finances, and waking up early to read my Bible. I feel so great when I maintain these habits, but I really have to work at them. And I can miss one day, and then it's over. It's terrible that bad habits are incredibly hard to break, and good habits are incredibly easy to break. From now on, lavender for <i>life</i>. By the way, I also used lavender on myself last night since I've been having a hard time falling back to sleep whenever I wake up in the middle of the night. It typically takes me two or three hours to fall back to sleep, so I really haven't been sleeping much at all. But I slept all night last night! Thank you, lavender. Also, thank you, Jesus.</div>
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But I should probably talk about the actual subject of my writing for the month - living in the present. Today I was reminded of a time when I felt left out. It happened in the past, and yet I still found myself growing increasingly upset as I remembered it. But why should something that happened in the past rob me of joy today? It doesn't seem fair that an incident would ruin my day when it happened, and then again when I remember it. </div>
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I decided that part of this experiment of fully embracing the present will include feeling things as they happen. I don't want to brush things aside anymore, or try to swallow any hurts. When those hurts resurface, I hurt all over again. It's like covering a wound with a band-aid, and then picking the scab over and over, just to watch it bleed. Why prolong the healing? Why add extra pain? Doesn't it make more sense to accept things as they happen, deal with them as best I can, and then move on?</div>
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So that was the unexpected lesson I learned today. And here's to hoping I actually remember to do this, like I now remember to use lavender oil to help me and my daughter sleep better. </div>
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And since this month will be all about savoring each moment, I thought I'd list the moments that I savored today. When we were about halfway through our walk this morning, Ellery decided that strollers are for chumps and immediately started demanding to be let down. So we spent the last half of our walk with her running happily beside me, holding two stuffed animals and a doll, while I pushed an empty stroller. Later I took her to a little farm with fun harvest activities for kids. She got to ride a little train, see some goats and cows, and climb on hay. She was in heaven. And my favorite moment was after I read Ellery her bedtime stories and asked her if she wanted Daddy to rock her to sleep. She took her paci out of her mouth, said "Daddy," and then snuggled into him when I placed her in his arms. I'm glad they have each other, Sam and Ellery. I've disappointed Sam with the fact that I'm not much of a snuggler, but that little girl more than makes up for it. And she melts her daddy's heart every day. And seeing them together melts this mama's heart.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-74143890506894630502014-10-01T19:57:00.004-07:002014-10-01T19:57:56.088-07:00Living in the Present for 31 DaysThis year I've decided to join in with <a href="http://write31days.com/" target="_blank">31 Days</a> and make a commitment to write every day for the month of October. It's too easy for me to put writing aside in favor of more "responsible" activities or chores. If I have laundry or dishes to do, (or shows to catch up with on Hulu), I find excuses and think I don't have time to write. No one <i>really </i>has time to write, and yet people with far more responsibilities than I have somehow make the time. So enough of me being lazy. I figure if I actually have a reason or something to write about, perhaps I'll make time for this thing I love.<br />
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My topic will be about living in the present moment. Too often I find myself dwelling on the past or alternatively being worried about or excited about the future. I know I would be more content if I simply lived in the moment, and yet I have such a hard time with that. So I'd like to explore this subject, and "force" myself to live in the present for the month of October. This blog will be where I document that. Sometimes I'll just write about our day, and other days I might document what I'm learning throughout this process.<br />
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Life is too good to miss out on because I'm not focused on each moment. Ellery is still very small and I don't want to look back on this time and see only a blur. It's hitting me that the next three months are my last with her as my only baby, and I want to fully experience each day so that I can savor the memories.<br />
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I'll have to link up later this week once I figure out how to make a button and actually link up. (And now that I think about it, perhaps my topic should be "figuring out the computer/technology side of blogging." Maybe that would make me a better or more consistent blogger...)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-73525837791686414772014-09-22T10:55:00.002-07:002014-09-22T11:41:27.342-07:00saying goodbye to one season to welcome anotherTonight marks the autumnal equinox. (Did you hear that, everyone? Stop complaining that it isn't fall yet. It wasn't supposed to be fall yet.) I find myself actually welcoming fall, for the first time I can remember. Perhaps it is because I am pregnant and don't have air conditioning, but I am eagerly awaiting cooler temperatures. Maybe living in Oregon for three years has finally converted me. After all, the PNW is pretty magical in the fall. (But if you ask me how much I love the PNW in March or April, you're guaranteed an entirely different answer.) <br />
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I'm doing well with the changing of the seasons in the weather; not so much with the changing of seasons in life, specifically with my daughter. She's at such a special age right now. I <i>love</i> watching her grow and learn and become more of who she was created to be. She speaks so animatedly, telling me all sorts of things, and I look forward to the day I can actually understand everything she's saying. And she's so affectionate now - with hugs and kisses and snuggles. I'm loving it. But even as I enjoy this stage, I can't help but mourn the loss of the baby stage, just a little bit.<br />
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Ellery has weaned herself, and it's sort of breaking my heart.<br />
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I know it seems silly that I would be sad about this, especially because she's nearly sixteen months old. I've nursed her past the point that many moms in our culture nurse their babies. To be honest, i was even a little hesitant to admit this at all, fearing what people would think of me. I've heard friends make comments about how weird it is to nurse past one year, or that once the child is old enough to recognize what's happening and ask for it, it's just gross. I understand our culture has sadly cultivated this idea, and that it makes many mothers who do extended nursing embarrassed by their choice. But I realized I'm not embarrassed by this choice, and so I'll let people think what they will. </div>
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The funny thing is, nursing was what I was most freaked out about before I became a mom. I wasn't super scared of labor or delivery or the responsibility the way most pregnant women are. I was terrified of breast feeding. It seemed so weird to me, so strange, and almost wrong. I was raised in that good ol' Baptist way where we're supposed to be ashamed of our bodies. Where breasts are bad and only mean sex and that's just dirty. My parents weren't really that way, but I heard plenty of talks on "modesty" and sex growing up, that I equated my female body with wrong and dirty and guilt. And way too tempting for men. (Perhaps that's why I've always rebelled a little in the way I dress...like my wedding dress, for example. Not the most modest.)</div>
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It felt strange to me that God would create something meant to nourish babies, but that was also sexually tempting for men. And I wasn't quite sure how to make sense of that as a soon-to-be mother. Would I even be able to nurse my child? Would it hurt? All my mother friends said it was incredibly painful in the beginning, and one even told me it felt like rubbing sand paper on a sunburn. I was terrified.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Then Ellery was born and latched immediately and nursed like a pro. From the very beginning, she was a rock star at nursing. I remember texting one of my friends while still in the hospital, saying that nursing was surprisingly my favorite part of being a mom so far. It was incredibly bonding, and for me, relaxing. I almost fell asleep whenever I nursed Ellery in the first few weeks. One of the lactation nurses said it was because nursing releases oxytocin and prolactin, hormones that help relax the mother. She said it's particularly helpful in nature, as it helps animals stay still while feeding their young so that they don't run off and leave their hungry babies. (Isn't that amazing? Talk about a smart God who designed that.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I think part of the reason I've been so happy with nursing and so hesitant to give it up is that it's actually something my body can do right when it comes to babies. The hormones from the placenta in my pregnant body like to stop my insulin from working properly, resulting in diabetes. My body likes to refuse to go into labor, meaning I have to have my babies cut out of me. The normal things that most pregnant bodies should be able to do don't happen for me. It is discouraging, and has made me feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm incredibly thankful to be able to get pregnant and maintain a pregnancy, but once that pregnancy happens, this body doesn't cooperate super well. But once the baby is out? This body does what it needs to do. And I'm so thankful I've been able to nourish Ellery in this way. My body has provided plenty of milk. Even though I got pregnant when Ellery was ten months old, and that usually reduces milk production, I've been able to easily continue to nurse her six months into my pregnancy, with plenty of milk. Another thing I'm grateful for.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Speaking of which, my doctor wanted me to stop nursing by my third trimester, which, incidentally, is in two weeks. I thought it might be hard to wean Ellery, but fortunately, she's doing it on her own. I hated the idea of weaning her before she was ready, but she's the one who's giving me the signs that she's ready, which is a blessing. My doctor said nursing in the third trimester can cause contractions, which can lead to pre-term labor. I wanted to laugh when she told me that. I wanted to assure her that <i>nothing</i>, not even breastfeeding, would make my body go into labor early, if at all. In fact, it might be better if I continue to breastfeed, as I would have more of a chance of going into labor!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The thing is, I don't actually believe people go into labor. I <i>know</i> they do, factually, but I have a hard time really believing it. Your water broke? No way. You were having contractions and they got closer together and they made you dilate? Yeah, right. Because of my experience with <i>not </i>going into labor, I just can't fathom how it works when people actually do. I sort of roll my eyes when I hear people say how it's natural and what our bodies were designed to do and that our bodies know what to do. Um, maybe <i>your </i>body, but not mine. Mine stays pregnant as long as possible and basically refuses to be forced into labor. Even after nearly 40 hours of labor-inducing drugs, I dilated approximately zero centimeters. Spicy food, castor oil, sex, tons of walking - my body laughs at those feeble attempts at labor induction!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But nursing? My body gets that. It doesn't refuse to cooperate in that way. I may not be able to grow the healthiest baby without sending too much sugar to my child, and I may not be able to deliver naturally, but I can nourish my baby with the healthiest food once he's born. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I'll say goodbye to this season with Ellery with gratefulness at how special it has been. And I can be glad to soon be welcoming another child into our home. I'm trying to choose to be happy about each phase, without being sad about leaving one phase or trying to rush too soon into the next. I want to live each day fully present and in the moment. If anyone has figured out how to do that, please tell me how.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-35998901585729286932014-09-04T05:52:00.000-07:002014-09-04T08:40:44.493-07:00oh boyso...we are having a boy.<br />
<br />
i'm still trying to wrap my mind around the concept. it is so completely foreign to me because i only know what it's like to have a daughter. also, i must admit that i would've been perfectly happy and content having only girls. i've never <i>needed</i> or <i>hoped for</i> a boy the way i know some people do. in fact, i was really excited about the possibility of ellery having a little sister so close in age, and didn't realize how much i was counting on that until our twenty-week ultrasound. the technician was super friendly and fun, and quickly found the baby's undercarriage at the onset of the ultrasound so that we could know immediately. i easily saw something <i>there</i> that wasn't there in ellery's ultrasound, and was in a bit of denial. i kept thinking, <i>what's that doing there? girls aren't supposed to have those. i can't be having a boy. i'm having a boy?</i><br />
<br />
i know some of you (my husband), think this is terrible, to hope for one gender over another. but for centuries, and in many cultures, baby boys were (and maybe still are, in some places) considered far more valuable than baby girls, and girls were often unwanted and resented. so this is just my little way of making up for all of that unfairness, saying that girls are just as valuable and amazing and fun and wonderful as boys! (look at me being a little feminist.)<br />
<br />
<i> </i><br />
i'm sure that if we did lots of studies and analysis, we'd figure out why some people hope for one sex over another when it comes to their children. certainly in ages past, people hoped for boys because women had far fewer rights and were considered lesser human beings. now that we aren't quite so ignorant, it's interesting that we still have preferences. i think mine comes down to the fact that i fear what i do not understand. and i <i>do not </i>understand boys. i'm married to one, and i am still frequently confused by the way he thinks and does things and communicates. i know lots of girls are tomboys, or have mostly male friends. i've always preferred dresses and dancing to sports, the thought of hunting or fishing makes me feel nauseated, and i've always had a plethora of wonderful girlfriends. i <i>totally </i>get girls. and i think being mama to a little girl is just about the best thing there is. i just don't get boys. and because of that, i really doubt my abilities in mothering a son.<br />
<br />
what will i do with him if he decides to play football? what if he has no interest in music? i have a hard time with the thought of allowing any of my children to kill animals for sport, but if sam wants to take our son hunting, there will be little i can do to stop him. of course, all of these are gender assumptions and stereotypes that may or may not be true of our little guy. sam and i have joked that ellery will be the athletic one, and perhaps our son will be more interested in music and literature, like me. my hope is that he'll be like his dad, a renaissance man of sorts, who is a skilled athlete in addition to being a talented musician. <br />
<br />
but obviously God knows what i can handle, and apparently believes i can handle a boy. either that or God wants me to depend on Him a bit more, and knows that by giving me a son i'll be constantly in prayer. that seems like the more likely scenario to me. ha ha.<br />
<br />
i know once this little guy arrives, i'll be completely smitten and wonder what i was so worried about. but for now, these are my thoughts, the things keeping me up at night.<br />
<br />
it will also help once we have a name for this little dude. seriously, picking a boy name is <i>so much harder </i>than picking a girl name. it doesn't help that i have lots of quirky things that make me not want certain names. i love names that end in "s", but they sound like they run together with swenson a little too much. or names that end in "n" such as tyson. tyson swenson just sounds like too much "n" to me. and there are lots of cute boy names that end in that sound! i'm also really particular about the name having a great meaning. ellery's name means "bringer of joy" and i truly believe that accurately represents her. i think a person's name can be so important, and whatever we name this little guy is the first thing we will be speaking over him about himself. (i know this sounds crazy to some people, but i'm just big on the meanings of names.)<br />
<br />
some people assume that because we named our daughter ellery, we want a unique name, but that doesn't matter to me. we just picked ellery because we loved it. i would have no problem naming our son something classic, but i just don't want him to be one of four people in his class with the same name. i was the registrar for a camp, and saw hundreds of children's names come in on registrations. and let me tell you, there were <i>a lot </i>of girls born in the early 2000s with "M" names. i can't tell you how many mackenzies, madisons, and makaylas there were in 4th-6th grade in 2010. i actually love hearing about other girls named ellery, because it just means her parents have great taste, but i hope she never has to go by "ellery S." because there are multiple people named ellery in her class. don't ask me why this matters to me, it just does! so as you can see, all my ridiculous name hang-ups make it rather difficult to find a name sam and i can agree on.<br />
<br />
any name ideas, people? send them over!<br />
<br />
also, i'd better add a disclaimer...i am beyond thrilled to be having another baby, and feel so blessed to be carrying a healthy baby boy. i hope i don't come across as complaining, because i realize some people may think that's what i'm doing. i'm really just trying to be honest because i've been feeling guilty that i wasn't more excited about a boy. and i can't be the only one who has ever hoped for one sex and gotten another, right? i guess i just wanted to write about it so that if there are others out there, you know i've been there too. and i can't wait to write a post after this little guy is born about how much i <i>love </i>having a little boy, because i have very little doubt that he will woo me with his sweetness and cuddles. i'm so happy that i'll have the experience of having a daughter <i>and </i>a son! <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-50283021382952989942014-06-08T12:31:00.002-07:002014-06-08T12:31:55.559-07:00my little girl, and a really hard night<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>When Ellery turned one a week and a
half ago, I was relieved by the milestone we’d reached. I know the first year of life can be
extremely fragile, as tiny bodies are still developing much needed defenses
against the scary, dangerous things of this world. I cried a bit over the fact that my tiny baby
was growing bigger and taking more steps of independence, but I breathed a sigh
of relief that we’d kept her alive for a year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On my first birthday, I had a febrile seizure. Of course I don’t remember, but I’ve been
told about it. When my nephew started
having febrile seizures, we learned they run in the family, so I had been
preparing myself for the possibility of someday seeing one of my children have
a seizure. Because my brother and
sister-in-law had experienced it, I knew they happen when a child has a fever,
and that they aren’t as dangerous as they look, though they are terrifying to
watch. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought I was prepared.
I wasn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night, Ellery woke around 8:45, so when Sam went to
check on her and found her to be pretty warm, we gave her some Tylenol. She’d had a low-grade fever on Friday, which
spiked a bit Saturday, but had been feeling and acting normally Saturday
evening. I had already spoken to her pediatrician
and an advice nurse Friday and Saturday, who weren’t super concerned, so we
weren’t concerned either. After giving
her medicine, Sam went to rock her back to sleep. I was reading on my bed when he quickly
rushed out of her room and I knew something was wrong. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I saw her clenched fists and unmoving eyes, I knew it
was a seizure. I calmly told Sam that it
would be fine and called TJ and Becca. I
didn’t know how serious it was and didn’t want to panic and call 911 if it wasn’t
anything too worrisome. They advised us
to put a cool washcloth over her head and call 911 if that would put us at
ease.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dialed 911 and handed the phone off to Sam, and took my
shaking baby in my arms. And that’s when
all composure and calm dissipated. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the most terrifying moment of my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you know me, you know I’m scared of my own shadow. My overactive imagination constructs all
sorts of crazy scenarios that often have me reminding Sam to check that the
doors are locked so we aren’t murdered in our beds. I know what it’s like to be scared, but the
fear I felt last night was more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my head, I knew Ellery would most likely be fine. I heard Becca’s words, reminding me that
these seizures aren’t fatal, that they look worse than they actually are. But as I held my baby’s jerking body, and saw
her clenched fists and blue eyes, staring unseeing at the ceiling, all logic
and clear thought was gone. All I could
think was that I could not lose my baby.
She was too precious to me. I
could not let her go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I began to pray as fervently and desperately as I possibly
could. Later, Sam said he thought I was
speaking in tongues. And you know
what? Maybe I was. Because I honestly can’t tell you exactly
what I prayed, but it was something about that God is powerful and could
protect my baby and stop her convulsing.
Beyond that I don’t know what came out of my mouth, but I knew I was
pleading with God for His mercy. It was
easily the most fanatically I’ve ever prayed, so if somehow I began speaking in
tongues that spoke some sort of God’s healing over my daughter, I wouldn’t be
surprised. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sound of sirens was a welcome noise, and she stopped seizing
just before the firefighters arrived. I gratefully
placed her in their capable hands, feeling better that she was now receiving
oxygen and getting her vitals checked. I
surprised myself with how calmly I answered their questions, and quickly got my
shoes and sweatshirt to accompany them in the ambulance. Sam followed us in our car, for which I’m
thankful because at that moment I know I wouldn’t be able to drive. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once we arrived at the hospital they said I could carry her
inside, so I picked her up and was troubled by how lethargic her body was. The paramedic assured me that was normal,
since her body had just gone through an exhausting five minutes of spasms. Yes, her seizure lasted about 5 or 6
minutes. Of course it seemed like an
eternity when it was happening, but after the fact I guessed it was maybe 2
minutes. After checking my phone to see what time we called my brother and 911,
and how long we were on the phone, at least 5 minutes had passed, which is
scary.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We arrived at the hospital around 9:15 and didn’t get home
until close to 2 am. While there, they
ran tests to determine the source of infection, but found nothing. I’m still nervous about that, since fevers
are caused by the body trying to fight an infection. So until we know what was going on and that
it isn’t anything more serious, I’m a little worried.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She cried a lot in the hospital, no doubt out of exhaustion
and fear, what with the strange new place and faces, and the monitors hooked up
to her chest and toe. Finally I was able
to nurse her and she slept for a little while.
When she woke she was groggy but smiling and acting more like herself,
which was a relief to both me and Sam.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we got home, Sam sent me to bed and helped the baby go
back to sleep. I woke around 3:30, and
he was still on the couch, watching TV and watching the baby monitor to make
sure she was okay. I have no idea what
time he finally slept himself, but I’m grateful to have a partner in this
parenting business who cares so much for our daughter. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So today we are thankful.
Thankful for her health, thankful for every smile she gives us, thankful
for how close we live to the fire station and hospital, and thankful for the
firefighters, nurses, paramedics, and doctors who helped us remain calm and
cared for our baby. So if you think of
it today, praise God for his mercy. We’d
also love prayer that there isn't anything more serious going on, and that they’re
able to figure out what caused the fever in the first place.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write about this. Maybe because it seemed like a pivotal moment for us as parents, and for Ellery. Part of me wants to completely forget everything and block it from my memory, but another part thinks it's important to remember what happened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And maybe to remind myself, and whoever else is reading this, to hug your loved ones very close today. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
The hospital gave her a little stuffed bear and a little stuffed elephant. They were exactly what she needed to feel comfortable and not so scared.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-56432493417956526322014-03-19T06:40:00.002-07:002014-03-19T06:40:35.675-07:00prone to wander<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSZZTMWBglhIGDO_ozVLisARDDi7-NznTghcdkl1yDqiX_3xqNFLBiX4q2si7r8ardwOg3lLyQfX_U-9yNDVWqd-xc_sz16Eq4JmGvdXjP4f6SvvzXWGvRe45fTxn8xhP5EZDmrlBUg/s1600/photo+(39).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFSZZTMWBglhIGDO_ozVLisARDDi7-NznTghcdkl1yDqiX_3xqNFLBiX4q2si7r8ardwOg3lLyQfX_U-9yNDVWqd-xc_sz16Eq4JmGvdXjP4f6SvvzXWGvRe45fTxn8xhP5EZDmrlBUg/s1600/photo+(39).JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
sam and i stopped going to church awhile ago.<br />
<br />
we had been going to the same church for about two years, but we left around the time ellery was born for reasons i won't go into on this blog. we were both really excited to find a new church where we could connect and get involved and find community. <br />
<br />
we visited one church twice, and though it was great, we wanted to try other churches in town before committing to this one. <br />
<br />
then life happened.<br />
<br />
ellery struggled with sleeping at night, and often slept until about ten in the morning. this meant we missed any 9 o'clock services and struggled to get ourselves, and the baby, ready for an eleven o'clock service. additionally, sam was working ridiculous hours. (and by was, i mean he still is. poor, hard-working husband.) he usually worked saturday mornings, and often went in on sunday afternoons. so to be honest, with a baby who didn't sleep well and a husband who worked seven days a week, sunday mornings became one thing for us: a time to rest. i saw how exhausted sam was, and didn't want to push him to wake up early and get ready to go visit a new church every week. i tried to let him sleep in. he didn't get to see ellery often, so sundays also became a sweet day when he actually got to spend time with us. <br />
<br />
sam saw how overwhelmed i was with a baby who was waking every two hours, and who cried hysterically whenever we left her in the nursery. he didn't want to push me to leave ellery in a nursery at a new church every week, with people i didn't know, especially when she seemed to hate it so much.<br />
<br />
so...we didn't really go to church for eight months. and do you know what i realized? it's easy to stop going to church.<br />
<br />
when you have a baby, or when you get married, or when you move, or start a new job with crazy hours, or when <i>life happens</i>, it's easy to stop going to church. and this is coming from two church-goers, people who were raised in church, whose fathers are pastors, who have both been involved in the ministry at every church we've attended. we're not "sit-in-the-pew" church people. we've both helped lead the music at church, and been involved in various other ministries. even when i was attending a mega-church in college, i volunteered in the hospitality department. we've both worked in church camp ministry. we're church people. <br />
<br />
and we stopped going to church.<br />
<br />
it made me realize how easy it must be for anyone to stop going to church, especially those who aren't so inclined to go to church anyway. it's easier to stay home and sleep. it's easier to go to brunch instead. even if you go to church, it's easier not to talk to anyone, not to get involved, and simply be a consumer.<br />
<br />
sam and i finally had an honest conversation about how much we needed and wanted to get involved in church again. we've started the process of trying out some new places and are excited about where we've visited so far. i've cried at every service since we started going back, because my soul could finally breathe again. yes, this is what i've been missing. this is what i've needed and i didn't even realize how much i needed it.<br />
<br />
CS Lewis puts it this way:<br />
<br />
"Enemy-occupied territory - that is what this world is. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage. When you go to church you are really listening in to the secret wireless from our friends: this is why the enemy is so anxious to prevent us from going. He does it by playing on our conceit and laziness and intellectual snobbery" (<i>Mere Christianity).</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
have you stopped going to church? i'm sure you have good reasons. i felt like we had good reasons; great reasons, in fact, and perfectly logical arguments as to why we had stopped going. and that's exactly what Lewis is referring to here. "the enemy" knows our weaknesses and will play to those so that we think it's a <i>good</i> idea we're abstaining from church, and that we'll get back to it eventually. then eight months pass and we still haven't been to church.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Prone to leave the God I love;</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Here's my heart, O take and seal it,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Seal it for thy courts above."</i></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-29190054391491206782014-02-25T19:06:00.001-08:002014-02-25T19:13:16.447-08:00dear ellerysweet child,<br />
<br />
there are so many things i want for you. there are so many things i pray for you. as your mother, i want to protect you from every hurtful thing, and i want to give you every wonderful thing. sometimes i hope you like dance, because i intend to enroll you in dance classes at the soonest possible moment. but then i remind myself that i must accept that you will be who you were created to be, and that may involve interests that are completely different from my own. my job is to help you become the unique person God created you to be, and i pray daily that i can stay out of God's way and never inhibit your growth.<br />
<br />
but sweet daughter, there is one thing i pray so much. i pray you are kind. there are so many lonely people in the world, and i want you to be the one to open your arms to them and welcome them. i want you to sit by the person in your class who smells a little funny, or to be the one to stand up to the mean girls who pick on another little girl because her clothes aren't as nice. i'm afraid i wasn't very good at that when i was growing up, and i am not very good at it now. i'm sure if i analyze myself enough, i'll discover that my strong desire for you to be kind is linked to my guilt that perhaps i am not kind enough, so i feel i can make restitution for that by raising you to be extra nice. i know my example to you is huge, so i promise to start practicing more kindness now, so that, for you, it becomes second nature.<br />
<br />
people comment all the time on how friendly you are. in restaurants, at the grocery store, at church, you smile at everyone you see. don't lose that, ellery. keep smiling at everyone. never stop smiling at people just because they have different color skin than you. keep smiling at everyone, regardless of how well-off they appear to be. smile at those who look grumpy, because they probably need your smiles the most.<br />
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and be <i>everyone's</i> friend. don't seek out the ones who can offer you the most from friendship, but seek out those who need a friend. ultimately, our aim in this life is to become more like jesus, and jesus wasn't impressed by the popular people of his time. he sought out those whom society rejected. that's what i want to teach you to do as well.<br />
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i don't care if you're the prettiest, or the smartest, or if you're the best dancer in your ballet class. but i do hope you're the kindest. and i hope your sweet spirit inspires others to be kind, too.<br />
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and on an unrelated note, this is why we got a costco membership - to be able to purchase a huge stuffed chicken for our daughter. she <i>loves </i>this thing, and cuddles it constantly.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-80054341172806889162014-02-12T16:11:00.002-08:002014-02-12T16:19:35.537-08:00on parenting and being a little pissed offthere's an article floating around the interwebs right now written by a mom who blames herself for her son's autism. she lists all the things she did wrong that she believed contributed to his diagnosis, and says she'll never forgive herself for what she's done to her kid.<br />
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the article makes me angry. i'm not even going to link to it here because i don't want any of my young mama friends or soon-to-be mama friends to read it. if you run across it, i advise against reading it, especially if you are in either of those two categories.<br />
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i understand the reason she wrote the article. she believes she's educating people, or perhaps that by sharing her story, she will prevent another mom from making those mistakes and possibly save future kids from having autism. i think she wrote it out of guilt, and a little bit out of self-pity. i totally get that. and i think educating others is a really great thing to do. but the article doesn't promote education. it promotes fear and guilt. and fear and guilt are the last thing pregnant women and moms need in their lives.<br />
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because i remember being pregnant. it was terrifying. the moment i found out i was carrying a child, i was in a hot bath, which isn't surprising, considering i spend any free time i have soaking in a hot bath. i immediately jumped out of the tub for fear that the hot water was cooking my baby. i began to agonize over the one margarita i had a few days before while celebrating a friend's birthday on a houseboat on lake shasta. had i given my baby permanent brain damage from that one glass of alcohol? once i had a salad with blue cheese dressing and called my midwife in a panic, certain that the single salad would result in a miscarriage or stillbirth. and let's not talk about the devastation i felt when i discovered i had gestational diabetes. because of my stupid genetics, if my baby even survived the pregnancy, she'd probably develop diabetes or become obese later in life. and it was all my fault.<br />
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if you're a mom and you have a pulse, you've probably experienced some sort of anxiety, either during pregnancy or after your baby was born. you've probably also experienced some form of guilt or fear that you aren't doing everything completely right for your child. being given the responsibility of another life is overwhelming. i know that i have to be my daughter's advocate when it comes to her well-being and medical care because she's too little to do it herself. <br />
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so i tried to stay active during pregnancy. i was forced to eat right. i did all i could to keep my blood sugar under control. and then i was induced for two days before finally having a c-section. (by the way, the article points out pitocin and c-sections as major causes for autism, which also infuriated me.) i mentioned in ellery's birth story, <a href="http://www.kimberlyswenson.blogspot.com/2013/06/ellerys-birth-story-part-i.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://www.kimberlyswenson.blogspot.com/2013/06/ellerys-birth-story-part-ii.html" target="_blank">here</a>, that i wanted a drug-free, natural birth, but because of my diabetes, i ended up having a c-section. and i'm sorry to disappoint all of you who believe doctors are evil and try to make people have c-sections, but my doctor actually tried to avoid it. when sam and i approached her about it, she wanted to try one more day of pitocin and give my body one more chance to respond and go into labor. she only agreed to it because of my diabetes, and the fact that the longer ellery was in the womb, the more dangerous it was for her. once ellery was out and it was revealed how huge she was, my doctor and midwife and all the nurses agreed that the c-section was the right choice. she was literally too big to drop into the birth canal, which was why my body didn't know it was supposed to go into labor. if i'd tried it naturally, it would've either resulted in an emergency c-section, or worse. this is also why i believe God had His hand on the entire situation. he softened my heart toward having the surgery and allowed sam to be my advocate and fight for it, because that's what needed to happen.<br />
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here's what i've realized: people want to blame modern medicine. and i get that. the article mentions things like immunizations and antibiotics and acetaminophen being the cause of autism, and though these things can be potentially harmful, they have also been very beneficial. we have to take the good along with the bad. maybe our modern medicine is causing certain problems and conditions, but it has also saved lots of lives. the rates of mortality for infants and laboring mothers have gone way down since 1950, as have diseases such as polio and smallpox. i sincerely believe my c-section saved me and ellery from danger and possibly death.<br />
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and i'm speaking as someone who leans toward alternative medicine. i go to a doctor's office that practices holistic, naturopathic medicine and acupuncture. i use essential oils in place of medicine to cure ellery's issues. i went to an office of midwives when i was pregnant, who only offer a single ultrasound during pregnancy, which is done no earlier than twenty weeks to check healthy anatomy. (and yes, i tried to get it done before twenty weeks so we'd know the sex before christmas, but they were adamant about it being twenty weeks or later.)<br />
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i'm doing everything in my power to do what i believe is best for my daughter. but guess what? she might still get sick. or she might get into a horrible accident. there is only so much i can do to protect her, and i have to accept that. i can make all the right decisions, which, according to the article includes avoiding modern medicine, and still, it may not be enough. but that's because i'm human and imperfect and ellery isn't really mine anyway. she's God's child, and i've simply been entrusted with her care. God gave her to me and sam because He believed we would make the best parents for her. it means i have to let go of that control, since i don't really have it anyway, and simply pray and pray and pray over my daughter. it means i can slather sunscreen on her every moment of every day, and she may get skin cancer anyway, while girls who go to tanning booths every day remain cancer free. and God may decide he wants her home sooner than i'm ready for. though i pray that doesn't happen, and it's a fear i carry with me every day, i would simply go mad if i allowed articles like this one about autism to make me feel more scared or guilty than i already do.<br />
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so moms - keep doing what you're doing. just do your best. if you're the praying type (which i highly recommend being), pray over every decision you make regarding your child's care. if you're pregnant, praise God for the life growing inside you. praise Him for the miracle of conception, of birth, and that you're lucky enough to be a woman able to carry a child. do not let fear or guilt spoil this special time, and recognize that God is the one in control anyway - not you. and everyone, avoid passing judgment on parents who choose to do things differently than you. perhaps that child is getting immunized because she will be traveling internationally, and it's the safest choice. perhaps that other child is not getting immunized because he already has a weak immune system and the shots would be more of a risk than a benefit. perhaps that mom did everything she could to breastfeed and it just didn't work. perhaps that other mom is breastfeeding her two year-old because it's what that child needs.<br />
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and if you are a parent of a child with autism, i am in awe of you. i had the wonderful opportunity to work with children with severe autism, and it remains one of the favorite jobs i've had. those children were so special, so fun, and involved so much care. i only spent part of my day with them, and i know it can be exhausting and overwhelming if your child has special needs of any kind. <b>do not </b>feel guilty, or feel that you are to blame for your child's condition. you are doing your best, as we all are.<br />
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*disclaimer: i think it's very important to educate yourself on the care of your child, especially involving big decisions that can affect his or her health. what i dislike are sensational articles based mostly on a few studies, and not based on actual scientific fact. we know for a fact that lots of exposure to the sun can lead to skin cancer. we don't know for a fact that getting an ultrasound can lead to autism.<br />
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end rant.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854268252108253978noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5219908307466371685.post-65714174802280010632014-02-10T16:02:00.002-08:002014-02-10T16:12:32.082-08:00two days, juxtaposedyesterday was the type of day that needs to be documented.<br />
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ellery woke around 6:30, so i went into her room to nurse her. she nearly fell back to sleep, clutching my shirt, and i knew she wasn't quite ready to be awake for the day. so we sat in the dark room, her noise machine still humming softly, and she jabbered at me a bit. her sweet head kept falling against my shoulder, and she would re-position herself, turning her head from left to right, until finally her breathing became even and deep. she snuggled in and slept, and i snagged a fleece blanket from next to her crib and draped it over both of us. and i was in heaven. parents, is there anything better than when your baby falls asleep on you? it happens so rarely these days that when it does, i simply enjoy it. <br />
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i couldn't fall back to sleep myself, even though our glider is ridiculously comfortable, so my mind wandered, and i prayed for the sleeping child, and for any future children we may one day have, and for our families. and that quiet, simple time was easily the best way i could have started my day. <br />
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ellery's hair is getting thicker, but is still baby soft, and it's started to curl a bit when it's damp. she's getting longer, and though she still fit on my lap, she felt more like a toddler draped across me than a newborn, which is so bizarre. she slept with her hands clenched in little fists, and at one point she woke up, grabbed the blanket and pulled it over her shoulders, and snuggled back against me to sleep. i couldn't help but think it was such a big girl thing to do, such a non-baby thing, and that made me want to pause this time and remember it forever. it just keeps getting more and more rich, being a parent, and i refuse to believe that it won't keep getting better and better. i know there will be hard times, but i want to look on the bright side and be grateful for the gift of each day being a mother.<br />
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she finally woke around 9, so we went back into my room. ellery got excited when she saw sam, and crawled over to him and gently patted his arm. he woke and smiled at her, and we three lounged and talked and laughed for a little while before i asked sam to take us to breakfast. there is still a thick layer of white snow covering our town, and for some reason, brunch seemed like the right idea.<br />
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we drove past a few restaurants before finally finding one that was open - the sassy onion. and let me tell you, the sassy onion has a new fan for life. first because they were open on a snow day, when every other restaurant was closed, and second because they have a full gluten-free menu. i happily noshed on gluten-free pancakes, bacon, and eggs. the waitress asked if we could leave ellery with her, because she seemed to be such a happy baby. and yes, she is definitely a happy baby. she doesn't like being tired, or hungry, but otherwise she's very happy and friendly.<br />
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we came home and ellery took a nearly three-hour nap. after two hours, i began growing concerned, but i kept checking the monitor and she was sleeping peacefully. sam and i were able to relax and just enjoy each other's company, which doesn't happen often since he has been working so much. then the baby woke and sam watched her while i baked cookies.<br />
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we took the still-warm cookies over to kari's house, where we meet with our old community group on sunday nights. i say old community group because it was the group from the church that we all used to attend, but really, it's still a community group. we're no longer affiliated with a church, but we are definitely a community, in the best sense of the word. some day i'll write more about this special group and how grateful we are for them. we enjoyed pot roast and laughed and watched the olympics. <br />
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and then we came home to put ellery to bed and i developed a migraine, because of course, no day is perfect.<br />
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it felt like a real gift, yesterday, like God was blessing us with this small moment in time. i want to hold on to it and i don't want to forget it. i felt like it was particularly important to write it down today, because today is sort of the opposite.<br />
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sam left for work around 5 am and has had a hellish day at work. snow is fun for lots of people, but lots of other people get into accidents because salem isn't prepared for this much snow and the roads haven't been plowed. naturally, it makes for a very hectic day for my sweet husband, who manages a car rental office, and many more people than usual need cars. and today ellery has had such a hard time napping, and getting her to sleep has been more difficult than it has been in over two months. and our house is a complete disaster, because being snowed in apparently means i no longer need to keep up with dishes or laundry or vacuuming. and the snow is melting, and turning into that disgusting, brown slush that everyone who likes snow seems to forget about. (i think the brown slush is perhaps the main reason i dislike snow.)<br />
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so today, when i'm drowning in housework, i'll remember our time with friends last night. and when ellery screams at me and throws her paci across the room in defiance, i'll remember the way her soft head felt nestled against my neck, and the hilarious bedhead she had when she woke. and tonight when sam gets home from work, i'll thank him for how hard he works to provide for us, and for taking us to breakfast yesterday, and i'll remember how cute it was when he was helping ellery take a drink of water. because i think God gives us nearly-perfect days so that we can<i> </i>recall them when life is not so perfect. and the memories we made can be savored until the next really sweet day comes along.<br />
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