month 3

^^This photo was taken by our friend Navid during our recent trip to Petaluma.  She looks so sweet!^^

Likes:

"Itsy-bitsy Spider", "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes", and "If You're Happy and You Know it"

Her activity mat - keeps her happy forever

Bouncing on the bed (see video below)

Dislikes:

Walks in the stroller (apparently she's not cool with me exercising)

Being awake for too long

Being put down for a nap (so tired, but so angry when she realizes it's naptime!)

Cannot believe this kid is three months old.  She surprises me every day with new tricks, and they come out of nowhere.  For the longest time she just screamed when I put her on her belly, then all of a sudden she propped herself up on her elbows.  She's also rolled over a bunch, but not super consistently.  She usually does it when she's not feeling tummy time.  And she laughed for the first time a week ago!  We were in Petaluma, and I was trying to stop her crying and just started bouncing her on the bed.  She started giggling so I shouted for Sam to come see and he was able to record some of it.  She's only done it once more since then, but every time my little heart melts.  There's nothing quite like hearing your first baby's first cry and first laugh!  I just keep thinking she's still just a tiny newborn, but each milestone she reaches tells me she's growing up.  Bittersweet?  Yes.  But oh how I love this little human. 

here's how my weekend is starting off!

Ellery and I often go visit Sam at work.  It makes his day and calms him down and so it's something we do.  Sometimes it stresses me out just a bit because inevitably whenever we finally get around to going, she's about fifteen minutes away from needing to be fed or needing a nap.  Weird how I haven't figured out how to plan better to just take her right after she's eaten and slept, but apparently I'm a glutton for a crying baby.  Someday I'll learn how to be a mom.  But anyway, usually on the way to his office, she's crying, and I'm saying, "Ellery, daddy will be so happy to see you.  Sometimes we have to do things we don't like for other people that we love, and that's called sacrifice."  I take every opportunity to teach her things, people.  She answers me by screaming more.

Today we especially needed to visit Sam at work because this morning I may have been a little grumpy with him.  I was up with the baby a few times last night and pretty sleepy and the husband leaves before 7am for work every day.  And I'm sleeping with baby girl on my chest this morning before Sam goes to work, and he touches my arm and wakes me up and I try to ignore it and stay asleep and he starts talking to me!  You know, saying he loves me and he hopes I have a good day and stuff a good husband does before he leaves for work, and I'm like, "WHY ARE YOU WAKING ME UP!?!!"  And he says, "Don't be mean," and lowers his head and backs away like a sweet puppy and I go back to sleep.  Then I wake up and I'm like, okay, so maybe I was a little tired when I said that and a touch grumpy and I should probably take him a coffee and we should go visit him to make up for it.

So we hit Starbucks first and I am ecstatic to get my own coffee too, because remember how I was up a lot with the baby?  When we get to Sam's office I leave my coffee in the car and we go see him and baby girl is just marvelous and even smiles at her dad, even though she's tired and hungry and wet and I just think what a patient little girl she's being.  Then we barely make it home before she's just really pissed off and I set my own untouched coffee on the hood of the car while I get her out of her car seat.

Here's my coffee now.

And here's what was left in the cup.

So I grumbled a lot and shook my fist at the sky, because obviously coffee is the most important part of my day.  And then I fed the baby and what do you know?  She refused to take a nap.  So I make coffee myself while she plays and go to get the creamer out of the fridge.  Aaaaand we're out of creamer.  I'm not kidding you, the sound that escaped my mouth when I was standing there at the open fridge sounded identical to this.

If you're too lazy to click on the link, it's a video of Chewbacca growling.

^^ That's me angrily drinking my made-at-home black coffee. ^^

And speaking of the above picture, I got my hair cut with lots of layers that works really well when my hair is curly.  I realized last night that when it's straight, I look like I have a mullet.  Awesome.

Needless to say, if these are my biggest complaints about my day, life is pretty darn grand.  Right?  (And it helps that I have my treat receipt to go get a $2 drink from Starbucks this afternoon.)

So happy Friday, everyone!  May your weekend be filled with lots of coffee, babies that take good naps, and husbands that don't wake you up from your precious time sleeping.  (Ok, nevermind, your husband can wake you up because in reality it's awfully thoughtful of him.)

my favorite thing

Some people are lucky enough to have their dream job.

And some people don't realize what their dream job is until they have it.

There was a time when I didn't want to have kids.  I didn't even want to get married.  I'd heard a really great message about being single when I was in college, (listen to it here) about how when you don't have your own family to take care of, you are more available to be used by God to minister to others.  And I loved that idea.  And I still completely support it and think it's a noble, amazing way to live.

And then I met Sam, and then we got married, and even when we were married we didn't want kids. Then something really tragic happened and we realized how important family was, and then we wanted kids.  And we talked about when we wanted to have kids, and before we could decide, I was pregnant.  I'm convinced God did all this, sort of against my will, because He knew what I wanted and needed better than I did.  That's usually the case, right?

It turns out, I love being a mom.  I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm not saying I'm good at it - in fact, I've never felt more inadequate or unprepared for a job.  I've never had to rely on God more for strength, to hourly beg him for wisdom and energy.  It's the hardest job I've ever done, the most physically taxing.  But I've never loved anything more.

There are times I don't get to eat until noon, because the baby is hungry and wet and requires attention.  Sometimes she still wakes up every hour or two at night and leaves me exhausted.  But then she smiles at me when I walk in the room and I melt and I realize I'm willing to do anything for her, even go without food and sleep.

I sing to her all day, and pretend like I'm on Broadway.  She's a fantastic audience.  When I read to her, I do voices and pretend I'm acting onstage.  It's even better than if I were actually on Broadway, because this little lamb hangs on my every word, carefully studies the expressions on my face, and beams when I sing to her.  I'm a fabulous pretty good decent barely capable homemaker, but there's a certain satisfaction I feel when I've managed to keep the child alive and entertained and make dinner and finish laundry by the time Sam gets home.  It's not that I think I'm a perfect mom, it's just that I super love what I get to do.  And I can't believe I'm lucky enough to do it.

I'm realizing more and more how even though I'm not living the single life I thought I wanted, God is using this little family of mine to shape me.  I'm becoming more reliant on Him daily.  Each middle-of-the-night feeding and every load of dishes forces me to be a little less self-centered and humbles me in the best way.

I wouldn't get the chance to do my favorite thing if it weren't for this guy, being a rock star dad and working super hard for us.  Thanks for letting me stay home with our sweetie, husband.  (Yes, he is normally the one to give the baby a bath.  It's their special bonding time, as you can see below.)

I honestly never knew it was possible to get so much joy and satisfaction just from being a mom and wife.  I'm really loving my simple little life.  I know it isn't for everyone, and plenty of women thrive working outside the home, in addition to being moms.  I hope this post doesn't sound as though I think being a stay-at-home mom is superior to being a working mom.  In fact, I'm in awe of those mamas who can be awesome moms and help out their family by working outside the home, too.  Personally, I just feel like I finally understand why I always felt so unemployable, why I never really found my niche.  It's because I was supposed to be doing this.

napping conspiracy

Sam and Ellery are involved in a conspiracy against me.

Somehow he has convinced her to take the best naps when he's home.  They're playing some kind of trick on me, one in which Ellery refuses to take good naps for me, but will sleep for hours when Sam's home.

It's not funny anymore.  Quit it, you two.

Seriously, it's getting ridiculous.  When I'm home with her, she'll sleep for maybe 30 minute stretches, an hour if I'm really lucky.  When Sam's home, she'll sleep for three hours, wake up to eat, then sleep another three hours.  What in the world?!  And it doesn't matter what day it is.  If Sam's home for the weekend, she sleeps forever.  He only worked half a day today since he's working Saturday, and she's been sleeping for several hours now.  Really?

I think Ellery just wants to make me look like a fool to her dad.  He doesn't believe me when I say it's sometimes exhausting taking care of her all day.  I'm sure he thinks it seems pretty easy, since whenever he's home she's sleeping and I've got plenty of time to do things.  She's making me out to be a liar when I tell him that I've hardly got any time to clean the house and cook dinner.

And I put her to sleep the same way every time, in the same bed.  So it has nothing to do with the logistical side of nap-taking; the only variable is the fact that Sam is home.

She doesn't care that when dad is home, mom wants a break.  She thinks it's funny to give both of us a break when dad is home, and then be wide awake whenever it's me all by myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with the kid.  I'm not complaining that I get to be home with her all day, even when she refuses to let me sit down or put her down at all.  I think the truth is that I'm just super fun and she doesn't want to be sleeping when she can be hanging out with me.  That's what I've decided.

Also, I've been married three years now.  Here's me and my honey on our honeymoon.  These two kids had no idea they'd have a 10 week-old baby by the time they'd been married three years!

friends and tv characters

I'm feeling rather nostalgic tonight.  I have no idea what brought it on, and I really try not to be this way, but I often find myself in these little pockets of yearning, where I miss old times.  I wish I could be more of an in-the-moment person, but I usually miss the past or excitedly anticipate the future.  Why can't I simply enjoy the present more, and be fully grateful for my current life?  And why do I never realize how wonderful a part of my life is until it's over?  It isn't that I feel dissatisfied in my current situation; I truly love my life right now.  It's more that I miss the people who have filtered in and out of my day-to-day activities.

I relate the people in my life to characters on a television show.  Have you ever watched a show from beginning to end, the kind where the characters transition in and out?  For example, Friday Night Lights - the characters that are featured in the beginning of the show are completely different from those featured at the end of the show, aside from a few staple characters.  Or in the later episodes of The Office, when Michael and Kelly and Ryan are all gone, and it's so sad.  And when you consider the beginning versus the end, you realize how much all the characters have changed and grown, and it's a good thing, but there are parts you miss about the beginning.  (Have I lost you?  I know, I know, this is so random, right?)

But the truth is, I wish life weren't so much like a TV show.  I wish my friends all stayed fully present in my life, instead of transitioning in and out of focus.  More often than not, it's geography that separates me from the people I love, especially since I haven't stayed in the same city more than two years since 2003.  On one hand, I feel so lucky to have moved so often, because it widened my circle of friends that much more.  I've met and loved so many people over the past ten years, people who have made huge impacts on my life.  But with each move, there were friends I had to say goodbye to, people who I still love but don't get to experience day-to-day living with.

I think it's because of all this that I tend to refuse to let people lose touch with me.  I still keep in touch with lots of people from high school, and still genuinely adore people that I've known since birth.  And even though I don't talk to them every day, or even every month, I still treasure the random text, letter, or phone call that reminds me why these people are so important to me.  I miss scaring Tiffany in our apartment, and going to Cold Stone with Annie, or to the bar by Fresno State with Beth, and walking around the park with Jacquie, and going to the bowling alley with Garrett and Briana, and all my other friends from lifeguarding at the pool.  I miss meeting everyone at Taps in Petaluma, and family dinners at Paul and Lauren's, and singing Christmas songs with Abbey at Gilead.  And now I've added Salem to the mix, and if we ever move away there will be people I'll be so sad to leave because I've just fallen in love with them.

And am I the only one who does this?  Or do most people not move as often?  I think some people are able to accept that people lose touch and people change and friendships change, but I'm not so good at that.  I just want to keep everyone in my life, and I want to keep adding in more friends.  And maybe that's why I blog, to try to feel a bit more connected to people that I no longer see every day.

Anyway, what a weird post, right?  I fully intended on writing about baby fashion tonight (ha), but somehow I started missing a bunch of friends instead, and got feeling all sentimental.  Just know that if we are friends, or have ever been friends, I miss you and wish that I could see you every day.  And I'm glad you have played a role in my life, even if you aren't currently a returning character.

And now I'm wishing my life were actually a TV show, because how cool would that be?!  But who would watch it, because these days all I do is make faces at Ellery and tell Sam how cute she is.  Fun for me, but probably boring to watch.

And on that note, it's time for bed!

month 2

This post is a few days late, since Ellery was two months on Monday, but better late than never, right?

loves:

music

reading (or, rather, listening to me read)

her play mat

talking (this girl coos at all the little animals on her play mat...pretty sure she's making friends with them)

taking naps on mom and dad (see pictures)

hates:

baby carriers.  this is the worst, because this girl loves to be held, just not in a moby or ergo baby carrier.  i think it's because she likes to be able to look around and see what's going on, and she can't do that when she's facing me.  hoping she warms up to her carrier soon, because my arms are getting tired.

sleeping in her bed during the day.  she prefers to sleep being held.  sleeps great in her bed at night, though.

indifferent to:

going for walks.  she used to love them, now they make her cry half the time.

This baby is so delicious!  She's really starting to show her little personality, and we're loving getting to know her better.  Honestly, I just feel so lucky that she's mine and I get to hold her and cuddle her and kiss her all day.  She's also pretty long, as you can see in the picture of her and Sam - two feet tall now.  Sam has determined she'll be a volleyball player if she maintains her current build, while I'm still voting for water polo, naturally.

Do they even have water polo in Oregon?

Will we even be living in Oregon by the time she's old enough for sports?

Oh the unknown!

on being the world's worst writer

Okay.  So  I'm not saying I'm actually bad at the craft of writing.  I hope that years of school and some of those awards in English actually mean I had something of a gift for it.  I'm talking about how I'm actually the worst at sitting down to write.  I have these lofty goals of someday writing a bestselling novel that turns into a series that turns into these multi-million dollar movies that will allow Sam to quit his job and me to choose where we live.  (He once promised that if I was the one making the money, I could choose where we live.  And that fact is maybe 90% of why I even care about making money at all.)  Now, these days stay-at-home moms aren't actually paid.  Yes, technically we're paid in love (has anyone else seen that quote floating around pinterest?), and technically I guess you could say Sam pays me, because he lets me spend his money, but I'm not really paid for my hourly work.  (And that's a shame because this lady works twenty-four hours a day, yo!  I'd be making piles of cash!)

So back to my original reason for this post: I do love to write.  But would you know it based on how often I actually sit down and do it?  Nope.  To be fair, I write all the time in my head.  I write these great essays while I'm sweeping the kitchen, really funny, thought-provoking pieces on how motherhood is changing me and how I'm not as ridiculous as I thought I was, or that I'm more ridiculous than I ever knew I could be.  It's a shame the world will never read them, simply because I can't make myself sit down and write for a bit.  (And because they are that great.  Or maybe I just think they are because I'm sleep-deprived?)

When I was pregnant several people mentioned that they assumed I must be writing a ton to document my feelings on pregnancy, and I'd just sort of nod and say something like, "Mmm, mmhmmm, yeah totally," because I really wasn't.  I think I journaled maybe 10 times during my pregnancy, which is pretty pathetic.  And I assumed that having this baby would unleash this whole new side of creativity in me, and since I'd be home with her all day I would have all this extra time to write.  (Guess what though?  When I'm not feeding, changing, or playing with the baby, I'm cleaning or cooking or grocery shopping or folding laundry.  Weird how I never knew how time-consuming a baby could be...)  Even since having this baby, I've journaled maybe five times.  It's sad because I really want to document this time in our lives, both for me and for her.  I want to remember every little piece of it, and how do I properly do that without writing it down?

So my new goal is to journal here - right here on this blog.  I know, right?  What a concept.  I'm officially not blogging so that people can admire my writing anymore, I'm doing it simply so that I'll keep writing.  For myself.  I'm hoping the fact that people can read this blog will work to keep me accountable, since no one would ever know whether or not I'm writing in my own personal journal.  Also, I'm spending a lot less time constructing well-planned posts, because I'm sorry, who has time for that when they're furiously typing away before the baby wakes up?  So my posts will be more of this rambling gibberish you're getting right now - the real, unedited me.  Not exactly stream-of-consciousness, but somewhat.  Don't judge the grammar (I know...me, Janna, and Monica are probably the only people who do that anyway), or the fragment sentences or the completely random paragraphs that don't follow any order.  Just, if you would, encourage me to keep writing.  When I haven't posted in awhile, say something - hold me accountable!  It's easy to get consumed in this mom business, but I don't think it will do me or Ellery any favors if I completely lose myself in taking care of her.  I think in order to stay sane, I need to make time for the things that I love, the things that help make me a happier person.

But I mean, can you judge me for wanting to spend alllll my time with her?

Yes, she fell asleep in this position.  Rock & Roll, baby!