eight

eight months.  easily my favorite age so far.  she just keeps getting more and more fun, and each day is something new to look forward to.  she's suddenly blossomed into a little girl.  her brain must be working a mile a minute right now, because each day she surprises me with something new she's learned.

i love when she wakes from her nap and i can hear her babbling to herself in her crib.  i miss her when she gets a good, long nap, so when she finally wakes, i restrain myself from going into her room and interrupting her playtime in her crib.  when i finally walk in, i see her little round head just over the top of the crib, and her two little eyes light up when she sees me.  and then she claps her hands and i tell her to stop being so cute, because it isn't fair to me, because i can't keep loving her so much or i'll explode.  and then i pick her up and she squeals and immediately turns to look for the cats.

and in the morning, she has started to wake too early.  little miss is not a morning person, so she's ready for her first nap after being awake for less than an hour.  i tell her she should have just slept a little longer.  so we read books in my bed, and stay calm, and she snuggles up next to me and stares at each picture with the happiest little eyes.  and my favorite is that she pulls up the blanket next to her chest and clutches it with her tiny, chubby hands.  her little piece of comfort, playing with her blanket.

she is constantly moving her feet, when she's laying down, and when she's eating, and it's just like me and just like my grandma wuth, and i love seeing those little similarities.

oh, and boundaries.  she's starting to test them.  she knows she's not allowed to play on the bricks near the wood stove, but she always goes there anyway, and when i sharply say her name and raise my eyebrows in warning, she turns and gives me this smile.

(and notice her utter disrespect for the protective cushion we've wrapped around the bricks?  she pulls it off.)

i know she's trying to use her cuteness to get her way, and i know this because it's what i do with her dad, and it makes me think sam and i are really in trouble.  because she is cute - crazy cute - and if i'm not careful i'll be a bad parent and never say no to her, because how do you say no to such a sweetheart?  but i will, and it will be hard.  i'm not just her playmate and caretaker anymore, and it's no longer my job to find out what she wants and give it to her right away.  now i have to start teaching her, setting limits, and saying no when she tries to play with the remote or my phone or sam's tennis shoe.

she has started to wail, "mama" and "da-ee" when she cries.  i don't think she knows what she's saying, but we must subconsciously respond a little more quickly when she does it, because she seems to understand that it gets our attention.  she's standing up all over the house, which means she's getting more bumps and bruises.  i must restrain myself from keeping her from falling, and remind myself that it's good for her to practice, and fall, and that a little bump is okay.  but it just reminds me that she's getting bigger, and that i'm already starting to train her not to need me.  isn't that the hardest thing about being a parent?  that, if you do your job right, your child will become independent and self-sufficient?  maybe it means i have my own issues of needing to be needed, but it breaks my heart to think that i'm beginning to teach her not to need me anymore.  already she's eating more real food, which means she doesn't need to nurse as much, and it's hard for me to admit that.  maybe it's normal, and maybe it's just because she's my first little one.  but i hope i can remember that it's a good thing for her to learn and grow and become confident in herself and her own competence.

she plays well on her own, especially at her little activity table.  but she turns every so often to make sure i'm still there, and sometimes wants me to stand next to her so she can stop and give me little hugs.  and that's my favorite.  and maybe that's what i hope for - that she becomes her own person, able to stand on her own, and sure of herself.  but every now and then, she'll still need her mama, even if it's just for a reassuring hug.

in which i do something i haven't done in 10 years

look.  i'm a coward.

but two days ago i learned the local theater was performing Les Mis, the musical i've obsessed over for twenty years.  and i've been saying i want to do another show.  and i have this small window in which i only have one kid and i'm not pregnant, and could possibly do a show.  and hello.  it's Les Mis.  so i had no excuses, other than that i was terrified and didn't want to do it.

i wanted to do it, but i only wanted to do it if i knew i could do it well and get a part.  and how could i prepare for an audition in two days?  most people had known for two months!  i thought of lots of reasons why i shouldn't do it, but they mostly involved fear.  and the reasons i should do it involved knowing that i'd regret it if i didn't, and wanting to be an example for ellery.  also, i kept thinking of sara.  she would've wanted me to do it.  she would've auditioned with me.

so i found a song to sing and i sang.  lucky i married a fellow theater kid/choir nerd, because sam was ever the helpful critic, coaching me on vibrato, where to pause, where to crescendo.  and do you know what?  i wish i would've learned about this two months ago.  because maybe instead of singing for 12 hours straight, i would've prepared a song and then given my voice a rest before the audition.  as it happened, i probably way overused my voice (which hasn't really been used in the theater way in a long time), and by this afternoon i was hoping i would still have a voice.

i still had a voice.

i nailed my song.

what is it about performance time that makes it all come together?  i hadn't had one solid practice run, but throw me in front of a couple directors and the nervous energy turns into adrenaline that catapults me through.  i always did better when i was actually performing for an audience, rather than just rehearsing.  and oh my gosh.  i missed that anxious, excited, i'm-going-to-throw-up feeling you get right before a performance.

so i auditioned.  and can we talk about how many others showed up to try out?  at least 150 people - all ages, from all over the area.  i overheard two girls from tualatin, a couple from albany.  apparently everyone wanted to be part of this show.  my favorite was seeing the children - hopeful, ballsy kids who sang their hearts out.  i sang right after an adorable eight year-old boy who whispered to me just before he went on, "i'm nervous."  i whispered back, "we all are, dude!"  right?  we're all nervous.

in fact, i'd never been so nervous for an audition before.  the only other director i've ever worked with is Ms. Hughes, the drama teacher who ignited the flame that is my love for musical theater.  anyone who did drama at pioneer can tell you - she was outta this world incredible.  i did my first show with her when i was ten, and i was only asked to be part of it because i was friends with her son.  he needed a dance partner, and my sisters and brother were in the show, so it worked.  by the time i had to audition for any shows, she already knew what i could do.  there wasn't that pressure to show her everything i was capable of in two short minutes.  i felt that pressure today.

also?  porterville was a little pond.  i was disappointed if i didn't get the lead.  now?  i'll be thrilled to even get a callback.  in my little group of ten that i auditioned with, there were two women about my age with phenomenal vocal talent.  average that out for each group of ten, and that's thirty women who can sing.  and i mean sing.  so if i'm considered at all, i'll be stoked.  if they ask me to be in the chorus?  amazing!  if i'm actually considered for a singing part?  shut up, i'm fainting.

oh also, my favorite part of the day - we'd all been there almost 3 hours and they still had over 100 people to audition.  so the director told us he was going to cut us off once he'd heard enough.  i was holding out a note and frantically trying to remember what the next lyric was.  i started panicking, hoping it would come to me before i finished that note, when he said, "that's enough, thank you!"  and i was saved.  and i should've mentioned that the walls were covered with posters advertising old shows.  at the end of my song, i happened to notice the poster for seussical, performed in march 2009.  sara's show.  she was a bird girl.  and watching her perform, goodness, you knew she was having a blast.  and i almost cried.  because really, i didn't get long enough with her.  none of us did.

okay, that's enough.  except this: sam rewarded me for my bravery with a DQ blizzard.  ice cream is good for vocal chords, yes?  ha.

to the new moms, and soon-to-be moms

first of all, let me apologize for my singular subject lately - motherhood.  i know that's all i seem to write about these days, but this is the reality of my life right now, so there you go.  feel free to ignore this blog, for those of you who are sick of this subject.

also, if you like reading my blog and normally get to it from facebook, you might want to start following by email, which you can do on the right side of the page over there. --->  i won't be posting the blogs to facebook anymore.

and on to the subject of the blog...

these are some things i've learned in the short time i've been a mama - things that would've been nice to know, things i learned a little too late, things that will (hopefully) be somewhat encouraging.  or at least may you know that you are not alone.  you can read What to Expect the First Year, which is a very helpful book, but there are some things that aren't in there.  my friend marci and i think we could write a book on this subject - and maybe we will!  but for now, a simple blog post.

follow your instincts for your child
different babies need different things.  allow yourself to do what you feel is right for your own child and your lifestyle without feeling any guilt or pressure.  i have one friend who got all the vaccines for her kid, and one who doesn't want to get any.  that's fine.  they are doing what's right for their children.  do what you feel is right for your baby.  you're the only mother he/she has, and your instinct is what is needed.

surround yourself with people who've gone before you
it's such a blessing to have friends and family who have children.  in the beginning, i was constantly calling my sister for advice and help, wondering how i should go about things and if things were normal.  help from others who have done it before is vital.

surround yourself (if you can) with people who are doing it with you
two of my closest friends had babies soon after me - one the next day (and we had the same due date!) and one three weeks later.  as much as i love talking to my mom friends who have toddlers, there is something refreshing about talking to someone who is just as lost as i am.  i'm constantly texting marci and elise, confessing fears and mistakes, and it's just really nice when they admit that they're going through the same thing.  they're having the same arguments with their husbands, they are worried about the same things, and they get it.  sometimes i think moms can forget how hard it is to have your first baby, especially if they have multiple children.  my sister told me that it gets easier every time you have a baby, and admitted that her first baby was the hardest adjustment.  by her third child, she was thinking that the newborn phase was so simple!  (that makes me think i need to have more babies asap, ha.)  so if a friend is on her second or third baby and you're wondering why it seems to be easier for her, relax.  she's done it before.  and she was just as lost as you are when she had her first.

it's not always cute and sweet
i always thought that babies were supposed to have really soft skin and be completely precious all the time.  not always true.  ellery had a blocked tear duct for the first few weeks, which resulted in a ton of yucky eye goop, sometimes so thick that her eye was sealed shut after a nap.  and that umbilical cord stump? nasty.  i hated that thing.  i couldn't wait for it to fall off, which it did after a week, mercifully.  i called the doctor twice thinking it was infected.  ellery also developed pretty severe baby acne that didn't really go away for six weeks.  her little body was covered with the rash, even underneath her hair.  i looked at pictures of friends' babies with envy, since their kids didn't seem to have this painful-looking rash.  (also, just for your peace of mind, baby acne isn't painful for the baby.  it was more painful for the mama.)  then there's also cradle cap, which can just seem really gross at times if it gets bad.  (but coconut oil worked wonders for E's cradle cap!)  so if your baby seems to have all these weird, gross things going on?  it's normal.  and your baby is still cute and precious.

your baby is developing fine
one reason i wish i hadn't read What to Expect the First Year was that it tells you what milestones your baby should be reaching.  and oh my gosh, if baby isn't reaching the milestones she's supposed to be reaching, this mama freaks out.  in the first few weeks i was so concerned that she was developing at the right pace.  i worried she wasn't getting enough tummy time, and that she'd never be able to crawl with how weak her muscles seemed.  not to mention, if you do have friends who have babies the same age, you'll find yourself wondering why your baby isn't doing the things their baby can do.  but the good news is, they all catch up.  even the babies with the most incapable parents still eventually learn to walk.  and you'll think your baby will never be able to hold herself up on her elbows and one day, out of nowhere, she'll just prop herself up like a big girl.  bottom line: unless your pediatrician is worried, your baby is fine.  

keep track of nursing/sleeping
i didn't start doing this until Elle was about six weeks old, and i wish i'd done it sooner.  my phone has an app on it that allows me to keep track of everything - nursing, naps, diaper changes, milestones.  and it's so much easier to figure out why she's crying when i can look at my phone and see, oh, she's been awake for over an hour, she needs a nap, or she hasn't eaten in three hours, or what have you.  it takes away the guessing game to a certain degree.  plus, you can tell your pediatrician if something seems off, like she hasn't had a dirty diaper in four days, etc.

prepare to eat (some of) your words
before i had a baby, i was certain of the type of mom i'd be.  i'd lean more toward the tough-mom style.  since i was never a big fan of kids before having one, i didn't see why moms babied their kids so much.  but you guys, ellery is such a sweet little innocent lamb, that oh my gosh, i can't help myself.  she's definitely slept in our bed.  i've nursed her to sleep.  i'm way more into the attachment-style than i thought i would be.  plus, i was always so annoyed by people who posted constant pictures of their baby.  but if your family all lives in a different state, you just might post constant pictures of your baby, if only so that you feel like they are part of the baby's life.  and you might swear you'll never be like other moms and cut your hair after having a kid, and then you'll realize that you simply don't have time for long hair and that baby is constantly pulling your hair, so you chop it.  bottom line: it's okay if you're a different mom than you thought you'd be.  (and you'll probably find yourself wishing you could apologize to all the moms you judged before having a kid.)

some things will be easier, some things will be more challenging
ellery was a champ with nursing.  she latched immediately, and all the nurses were so impressed with her ability to eat.  breastfeeding was something that terrified me, so it was a welcome surprise that it came so naturally for both of us.  it's easily one of my favorite things about having a baby, and i never thought i'd be one of those moms.  but she's just not interested in sleeping.  not great at napping or sleeping all night.  so there you go.  your baby may struggle with nursing but be a champion sleeper.  some things will be harder than you expect and other things will be simpler.

there will be good days and bad days
...and good weeks and bad weeks.  some days you'll think you've got this whole motherhood thing in the bag.  the next day the baby won't nap and will be constantly hungry and you'll wonder if you'll ever feel normal again.  elle and i have gone through phases together.  the first two weeks were absolute bliss - i had the perfect baby.  weeks 3-6 were monstrous.  she cried a lot.  weeks 7-12 were fabulous again, but 13-16 were pretty rough.  i think it's pretty important to learn about this pattern now.  i'd like to believe that not a day has gone by when my mom hasn't loved being my mom, but i'm pretty sure she wasn't a fan of the middle school years or my senior year of high school.  (now that i've given her another grand baby i think she loves being my mom again.)  but really, i think it's a good idea to accept that some days it'll be awesome being a mom, and other days it'll feel really hard.

so there you go.  the knowledge i've gained after nearly four months of being a mom.

the end.

it's ok, because babies cry

as sam and i waited to board the plane at the airport, i saw a mother with three little ones, balancing a baby on her lap and asking the two older girls, probably around four and six years old, to help with the luggage.

i smiled.  "how old is she?" nodding to the littlest babe.

"three months, born may 3rd. yours?"

"may 29th.  by the way, you are brave, flying with all three on your own!"  i'd felt a little frazzled that morning, even though i had my very helpful, capable husband with me.

the woman, who had the prettiest sleeve tattoo on her right arm, shrugged.  "you do what you gotta do!"

since we all boarded at the same time (i now know why families with children get to board first!), the woman sat in the row in front of us.  "this way if my baby cries, i can blame it on you guys.  no one will know which baby it is!"  sam and i laughed and agreed.

then i heard one of her daughters ask if her mom thought the baby would cry on the plane.  i loved the mom's response.  "well, we're going to hope she sleeps the whole time, but she may wake up and cry.  but that's okay, because babies cry."

that's when i knew she was the type of mom i wanted to emulate.  i listened as she spoke to her daughters throughout the flight.  she never seemed to get stressed or overwhelmed, and excitedly pointed out buildings growing smaller and smaller as the plane rose into the clouds. and i think i know why she seemed so relaxed about a situation i would have found drenched in anxiety.  she understood and accepted the basic things in life about having kids, and didn't seem to mind about things that were normal, like babies crying.

it's okay, because babies cry.  babies wake up, and they cry.  babies have no other means of communication, so they let us know they are tired, hungry, bored, overwhelmed, etc. by crying.  it's something i'm still learning to be okay with.

i'm okay with it when i'm at home.  ellery cries, and i try to figure out if it's hunger or tiredness, and do what i can to help her stop crying.  it's when we go out into the world that i'm bothered, when i get stares from people who seem to be really irritated by my child communicating her needs with me.  in the grocery store, at the park, at church (don't even get me started on that one), even at friends' homes.  it's what makes me want to be a hermit, staying in my safe house with my precious baby, who can cry whenever she needs without angry stares from others.

she can cry.  maybe she won't be called an "easy baby" by those who hear her scream, but i'm okay with that.  what is that anyway, an easy baby?  i kind of hate that term.  what does it even mean?  a baby who doesn't demand too much of anyone, who doesn't interrupt your life too much?  people have asked me if ellery is an easy baby, and i'm never sure how to respond.  is it harder because i'm not as good of a mother?  is it harder because i choose to be more of a hands-on mom?  is it harder because ellery is sensitive, like her mom, and requires more gentleness and help?  is she "easy" to love? absolutely.  is it "easy" for me to sacrifice showers, sleep, and eating to tend to her needs?  yep.  don't ask me if my baby is an "easy baby".

maybe by the time i've got three little ones, i can be as zen as this mother at the airport was.  maybe with daily reminders to myself, i can slowly let go of worrying that others think my baby cries too much and simply be grateful that i have a healthy, thriving, very happy baby who brings inexpressible joy into my life.

i'll just keep telling myself that it's okay, because babies cry.

invader

Last night I think I discovered the origin of the whole "attachment parenting" idea.  You know, baby-wearing and co-sleeping.  Want to know my theory about how it came about?

It was a spider.

Yep.  I discovered this last night when we had our own uninvited guest.  I was walking through the living room and almost stepped on a ginormous spider.  I'm not kidding you when I say that for a moment I thought there was a tarantula in our house.  It was huge.  I nearly stepped on it, then shrieked, "Is that a SPIDER?! Oh my GAAAAAHHHD!!!!"  No, I never use the Lord's name in vain - that's how freaked out I was.  Sam, being the practical, non-arachnophobic man that he is, said, "Don't say that," and calmly went to get a tissue to kill the beast.  As he walked away, the spider sprinted across the room, right past the activity mat that Ellery loves laying on, and under the couch.  I screamed more, and Sam calmly lifted the couch and caught the giant demon.

This was when I discovered I may have a slight case of arachnophobia.  I was panicked.  I know he killed the spider, but I couldn't help feeling like there were spiders crawling all over me.  I refused to walk into the living room again, convinced that there were spiders covering the floor.

Our friends think the spider was a "giant house spider", often found in the PNW.  A quick google search will tell you that this spider held the Guinness book of records for it's speed.  Does that freak you out at all?  That's how you know I'm not lying when I say this spider sprinted across the room.  Fastest moving spider I've ever seen, which makes sense since it's legs were five inches long.

So okay, we finally calmed the baby down enough to go to sleep, and I finally exhausted myself enough to be able to go to sleep (after a thorough search of our bed to ensure that none of his friends were there lurking), and a few hours later, baby wakes up to eat.  I'm so terrified of stepping on the floor in the dark, that I bring baby back to bed with me to nurse her there, and leave her in bed with us.  There was no way I was going to get out of bed in the dark again.  Oh, and I forgot to mention that it appeared the spider came out of her room, which meant I was not going in her room, let alone leaving her alone in there.  That's why I think the idea of co-sleeping came from a spider - it was a mom who was too terrified of encountering a huge spider in the dark, so she had baby sleep in bed with her.

I have no idea when I'll feel okay with putting Ellery on her activity mat on the floor again.  Today I put it on our king-sized bed so she could still lay on it and play.  But I'm pretty sure that's where the baby-wearing idea came from, too - someone who didn't want their baby on the floor ever, so they carried the baby everywhere.  Thanks a lot, stupid spiders.

Today I purchased some peppermint essential oil, after learning that spiders hate peppermint, and it's a safe, nontoxic way to keep them away.  But how much peppermint oil will it take to drench our entire house in it?

I hate spiders.  And I may or may not have told Sam that I want to move out of this house because of that spider.  And no, I do not think that is irrational.  You would've done the same.

P.S. Sorry for no photos to accompany this post.  But trust me, you would not want to see a picture of this spider, or you'd be shivering all night, convinced you had a spider on you.  You're welcome.

on not sleeping. ever.

Here's the thing.  My child is a night owl.

And I am not.

Anyone who has ever lived with me or worked a morning shift at Starbucks with me can verify that I am the ultimate morning person.  It's 4:15 and we have to start making coffee?  Great!  What a beautiful morning!  Aren't we so lucky that we get to be awake to watch the beautiful sunrise?!  (To all my former customers and coworkers, particularly Carmel, I'm sorry.  I know I must have been ridiculously annoying.)

Baby let on that she was a night owl while still in the womb.  Around ten or eleven every night, she'd start her own little party.  And I'd be like, hey baby, I'm pregnant, remember?  And I'm thoroughly exhausted, so if you could just realize it's bedtime that would be great.  Also, baby didn't like waking up early at all.  I had gestational diabetes, so my diabetes counselor wanted me to make sure that baby kicked at least ten times an hour because there was a higher risk of fetal demise.  (I know, doesn't that sound like fun?  Worrying that my baby's heart was no longer beating every hour?  This is why my patience with people who complain about their normal, healthy pregnancies is low.)  Every morning, I'd be pleading with God and baby for any movement to let me know she was okay.  And finally around ten in the morning, she'd give a half-hearted little jab, as if to say, Dude mom, I'm fine, but it's, like, so early and it's really tiring growing and developing and stuff, so you need to chill while I sleep, aight?  (Sorry for the vernacular, but I grew up in California and I sort of think that's how Ellery talks in her head.  Because she's a California girl at heart, of course.)

From age 2 weeks until about five weeks, Ellery's bedtime was around midnight.  She was a great sleeper, but her timing was just a little off.  She'd sleep from about midnight until ten in the morning, and only wake up twice to nurse.  I realized I could make this schedule work, because that way it gave Sam more time with the baby at night when he was home.  So I'd drink my coffee around 5pm to gear up for staying up past my bedtime, and it worked for us.  Ever since then, we've slowly been working on an earlier bedtime, and lately she's been sleeping from about nine to eight.

The problem is, my body is still set to the later schedule.  So when baby goes to sleep around nine, or even earlier, it's a problem.  Because I'm wide awake.  Sam and the baby will both go to bed and I'll be physically exhausted but unable to sleep.  I've tried going without caffeine and that hasn't helped.  And now Ellery has decided that hey, mornings are pretty cool, so let's wake up at five or six am!  Not only that, but when I wake up to nurse her, it takes a good hour for me to fall asleep again.  Not cool.

The thing is, she had been doing great sleeping...until we went to California.  Let that be a lesson to those of you with babies.  Don't travel.  Ever.

I'm sure she'll work it out and get back on track, but until then, the only thing that helps when I'm suffering from this ridiculous insomnia is to sit with the cats in the kitchen, eating goodie bars.  (The cats love middle-of-the-night hangouts.  It's the only time they really get my undivided attention anymore.  Sorry Morty.  Sorry Willow.)

**Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment value only.  It is not a request for anyone's advice on sleep training.  I had no idea what a controversial subject sleep training was (Cry it out? Babywise?  Co-sleeping?) and have no desire to start any debates here on the blog.  Lest you think I am not humble enough to accept advice and teaching, please understand I have requested advice from those I actually want it from.  Thanks in advance for not telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing to help my baby sleep. :)

month 3

^^This photo was taken by our friend Navid during our recent trip to Petaluma.  She looks so sweet!^^

Likes:

"Itsy-bitsy Spider", "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes", and "If You're Happy and You Know it"

Her activity mat - keeps her happy forever

Bouncing on the bed (see video below)

Dislikes:

Walks in the stroller (apparently she's not cool with me exercising)

Being awake for too long

Being put down for a nap (so tired, but so angry when she realizes it's naptime!)

Cannot believe this kid is three months old.  She surprises me every day with new tricks, and they come out of nowhere.  For the longest time she just screamed when I put her on her belly, then all of a sudden she propped herself up on her elbows.  She's also rolled over a bunch, but not super consistently.  She usually does it when she's not feeling tummy time.  And she laughed for the first time a week ago!  We were in Petaluma, and I was trying to stop her crying and just started bouncing her on the bed.  She started giggling so I shouted for Sam to come see and he was able to record some of it.  She's only done it once more since then, but every time my little heart melts.  There's nothing quite like hearing your first baby's first cry and first laugh!  I just keep thinking she's still just a tiny newborn, but each milestone she reaches tells me she's growing up.  Bittersweet?  Yes.  But oh how I love this little human.