Monday, October 27, 2014



Has anyone figured it out yet?  I haven't.  Some days I feel like I'm on top of everything.  Okay, honestly, there have been maybe five days I can remember feeling that way.  Most days my to-do list goes half undone.

After documenting our day on Wednesday, I was discouraged to see how little I actually got done.  I felt busy all day, but in reality, most of the things I had hoped to do that day were left ignored.  It's not for lack of trying; it's for lack of time.  Or, it's for having a toddler that makes normal tasks take twice or three times as long.  Take, for example, getting into the car.  She's at the age where she insists on walking down our flight of stairs all by herself, which understandably takes much longer than it would if I were to just carry her down.

After reading my blog, I also started to feel a bit guilty.  Guilty that I hadn't spent enough time playing with Ellery, that I was too focused on the other "chores" I needed to do.

And I realized I'll never have the perfect balance.  Some days will be much more fun for Ellery, and will include play dates and activities and lots of undivided attention.  Other days will include grocery shopping and cleaning and necessary household tasks.  Some days I'll ignore those household tasks while Ellery naps and simply rest myself.

I've realized that my "balance" simply means my priorities change daily.  And honestly, my priorities aren't always set by me; they are reflected in what needs the most attention that day.  Take, for example, the past few days.  Thursday included a strange nausea that hit whenever I stood up, which meant Ellery and I watched a lot of nursery rhymes on YouTube.  Friday I felt fine, but Saturday and Sunday hit with a terrible sore throat and runny nose, with some lingering nausea that again had me laying down most of the day.  Thank God for Sam, who took Ellery to church and to our small group on Sunday so that I could take a nap and try to get well.

When I literally cannot stand up because of feeling sick, my priority becomes my health.  I'm responsible for another little life inside me right now, so I have to listen to my body when it tells me to slow down.  Housework went undone and Ellery was likely bored most of the past few days because I had no other choice but to take care of myself.

Today Ellery was the priority.  She must have decided to let me know that she was tired of my illness, because she was acting out all day.  She spent about two hours screaming when I tried to get her to nap.  So today, housework went ignored and all my attention was on the kid because I really had no other choice.

I've realized that for me, balance means doing whatever it takes to keep my head above water that day.  When we run out of clean dishes to use, or run out of food in the freezer, the housework and errands will again be prioritized.  And maybe tomorrow will be magical and Ellery will nap perfectly and I'll feel energetic and healthy, and I'll be able to accomplish enough to feel a little bit more on top of things, and a little less behind.  I'm hoping I can feel caught up before this second baby comes, because I'm pretty certain adding another child to the mix won't exactly make things easier.

Speaking of this second child, I finally got around to sorting through some of his clothes today.  This was the first thing I've done to prepare for the arrival of this little guy, which is funny considering that I'll be "full term" in six short weeks.  By this time with Ellery, I'd had tons of crafts and decorations done for her nursery, I had obsessed over a baby registry, and we'd already set up some furniture in her room.  From what I understand, this is pretty normal; with your first baby, you're uber prepared, and with your second, you finally start getting around to doing things at the very end of the pregnancy.  At least I hope this is normal?  I'm not really worried.  As long as he has a place to sleep and something to wear, we should be fine.  Oh, and maybe a few diapers.  I'm trying to figure out how big this kid will be.  With Ellery, I had to give all her newborn clothes to my sister, since Ellery was too big to fit into any of them.  And my mom, who had gifted us with a bunch of newborn diapers, ended up taking those to my sister as well, as Ellery was too big for those.  What if we have a normal-sized baby this time?  What if he feels like a newborn?  What if he could actually fit through the birth canal and I could deliver him like a normal person?!  My mind cannot even fathom it.

What was this blog about again?  Oh yes, balance.  Okay, so am I alone in this?  Is every other mom totally organized?  Do your days go exactly as you plan them?  Have you found a peace about it?  I think I finally have.  I'm okay with admitting I'm not perfect and that I never will be.  Doesn't stop me from trying though!

I found this photo on Pinterest and thought it was hilarious and really fitting today.

1 comment:

  1. It is so refreshing to read of your struggle. I find it beautiful, honestly. Your priorities are focused on the ones you love, on their health and well-being, on their safe and happy environment. You are embracing the blessed task of mother and wife, and you only struggle out of your attempt to master them both. What a valiant endeavor.
    I have literally witnessed a mother farm out her child for the better part of a month...because it is the right of every woman to buy a Louis Vuitton bag in Paris. I see mothers starving themselves, spending hours in the gym (sharing porn star-like photos all over social media) meanwhile the kids are...somewhere else. What is wrong with these women? How has our role become so devalued?!
    Take courage, my friend, for your fight is not in vain. You only find difficulty because the tasks you choose to prioritize are not self-satisfying. You are the heartbeat of your loved ones. You make it possible for them to be.