here i am

Hi friends!  You've probably been wondering why I haven't been updating my blog every day like I said I would.  (All three of you reading, ha.)  The truth is, we spent Tuesday and Wednesday traveling, and I didn't have access to a computer.  And now that we're here at my parents', spending time with family, I actually want to be present in each moment and enjoy this time.  So...I might still blog a few times over the next few days, but spending time with family is a bit more important to me.  I'll do an extra week in November to make up for missing days this week...how's that sound?

Meanwhile, hope everyone else is having a spectacular week!

i'm not one of those people who loves being busy

The husband, baby girl, and I are headed down to California tomorrow.  We are probably meeting little Abel the day after Christmas, which means I won't be able to travel down to see my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  So we decided to make one last trip to see my side of the family before the little mister is born, since we'll be missing out on the holidays with them, and celebrate my dad's 60th birthday while we're at it.  (I know, who can believe my dad is almost 60?  He's shaping up to be a cute old man, though he still has about ten years or so before I'll consider him "old".  And you know I love a cute old man.)  We also get to go to a wedding for some friends from Petaluma, which we are very excited about.  We love our Petaluma people, so we love when they get married and give us a chance to go see them all.  And every time we go, it makes us want to move back - it happened with Adam and Elise's wedding, and Devan and Hannah's.  After Craig and Hannah's wedding we did move back.  Apparently that was a fabulous wedding. ;)  We're also squeezing in a visit with James and Monica, two of our favorite people.  They were there throughout mine and Sam's entire relationship, and even filmed our engagement.  We can't wait to hang out!

So ahead of us we have eight days of fun, family, and friends.  Why is it that getting ready for vacation in itself makes one need a vacation?

Today wasn't terrible.  It was actually a pretty good day, overall.  It's just that I had a ton to do to prepare for our trip.  Errands to run, a house to clean, and bags to be packed.  I don't think I sat down once all day, except when reading to Ellery before her nap.  And I have a lovely pain in my lower back that is making it exceedingly difficult to walk.  (Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to twist around and pop my back.  As soon as this kid is outta me, I'm doing it.)  On top of that, when Sam got home he unknowingly dragged in some tar on his shoes.  So I quickly googled how to clean that up, and now I think the carpet is saved.  I still have packing to do, and dishes to wash, and I desperately need a shower before we leave early tomorrow morning.  Basically, this vacation is more than welcome.

I kept wondering today how you're supposed to live in and appreciate the present when you feel overwhelmingly busy.  When you don't even have time to sit still or think about anything other than your unending to-do list.  And I don't really have an answer, to be honest.  All I can say is that I tried to let things roll off my back (my stupid, messed up back), and tried to see the great things about today.  I took pictures of my sweet little one whenever she did something cute or funny, and hugged her when she cried.  I prayed for Sam while I ironed his work shirts, and thanked God when Ellery behaved during our trip to Target.

Don't get me wrong - I was no where near perfect in my attitude today.  I grumbled when I found the tar on the carpet, and got frustrated when Ellery climbed outside through the cat door for the fifth time in a row.  But I found that trying to remember that this day is fleeting and would eventually end really helped me keep things in perspective.  I tried to remember how blessed I am to have been given another day with my sweet family.  I reminded myself that tomorrow Ellery will be a little bit older than she is today, so I wanted to savor this day with her.  I thanked God that we have the opportunity to go on vacation this week.

What do you do when you're crazy busy?  How do you handle the stress and still enjoy the day, without wishing it would simply end?  Anyone have any tips or tricks?

The Good and Bad

As a mother, the hardest thing about living in the present is accepting the good things along with the bad.  I often wished for Ellery to hurry and get through a phase, but then once it was gone, I missed it and wished I could get the time back.  The newborn phase was really hard for me, and I remember feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and praying for the day she was 3 months old.  And now as I look back at photos of that time, all I can think about is the sweet scent of her tiny head, and the way her body snuggled up so perfectly to mine, how completely smitten I was with my new baby.  One of my friends once told me that at the end of weddings she's always jealous of the bride and groom because she knows how sweet and fun their honeymoon will be.  And I feel the same for brand new parents; it's a sweet honeymoon of getting to know the little person who you've been waiting nine months to meet.  I get a little jealous whenever I hear that someone just had a baby, knowing what a precious sliver of time that is.  I know not everyone has that experience, but for us, the first 3 weeks were absolute bliss.

This whole lesson of accepting the good along with the bad in order to fully appreciate the present doesn't just apply to motherhood.  When I was engaged, I was so excited to marry Sam that I impatiently counted the days until our wedding, trying to stay busy in order to make the time pass more quickly.  Looking back, I realize what a fun time of life that was.  I was living with one of my best friends in my favorite area ever (um, Sonoma county), surrounded by great friends and people.  I was in love and planning my wedding.  Life seemed pretty carefree - going out on dates with my fiance, having dance parties and pomegranate martinis with Bree in our apartment, going to French restaurants in San Francisco, numerous Giants games, and lots of late nights at Volpi's.  And yet all I wanted was to be married.  Then once we got married, our circumstances were pretty rough.  Being married was fun, but we moved away from our beloved Petaluma, away from our group of friends, and we both had jobs we didn't like, with schedules that made it so we hardly saw each other.  I wish I had appreciated that engagement period far more than I did, because once the time arrived that I'd been wishing and wishing for, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

I had so much fun becoming a mother that I couldn't wait to have another baby.  I was ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant, and loved the idea of Ellery having a sibling so close in age.  And, as many pregnant women do, I wished that the first trimester would hurry and fly by so I'd get my energy back and feel a little more "safe" in the pregnancy.  Now that I'm starting my third trimester, I just want to stop time.  I know how overwhelming it will be having two children, and it's finally hitting me how hard life is about to become.  I know it will be wonderful, but there are also so many things about this time of life I'm going to miss.  I'm going to miss being able to give Ellery my full attention, and I'm going to miss being able to easily leave the house.  This pregnancy is simply moving too fast for my taste, and even though I wished it would hurry in the beginning, now I'm wishing it would slow down.

I've learned that I want to cherish each day and each stage of life, no matter what that means.  There are good things and bad things in every day, and to wish away a certain season is unwise.  It's funny how many people are wishing and wishing for fall weather up here in Oregon, when I know that pretty soon, everyone will be wishing away all the gray days and rain.  Come next May, everyone will be more than ready for the beautiful, sunny days, and yet few people seem satisfied with the extra sun and warmth we are getting right now.  But the truth is, we don't appreciate the summer as much without those gray days, at least not up here.  And I'm even learning to appreciate the rain, especially as so many of my loved ones are currently enduring a terrible drought.

For me, properly living in the present involves being thankful for each moment.  It means living gratefully in each day, welcoming whatever may come.  So for now, that's what I'm practicing.  Because honestly, the past wasn't as good or bad as I remember, and the future doesn't necessarily mean things will be better or worse than they are now.  The future will bring it's own set of problems and wonderful times, so for now I'll just focus on today.

Some Inspiration

I'm feeling a little dry today, and don't have a lot of time to do a free write and figure out what to say about being present.  So I thought I'd simply include some things that have inspired me with this blog series.  All images found via Pinterest.

Unplugged

*I wrote this yesterday and completely forgot to publish it.  So we'll have two blogs tonight.*

Today was about trying to unplug.  It's really hard to live in the moment when my head is down, staring at my phone.

I remember back before I had kids, when I noticed that lots of stay-at-home moms were on Facebook a lot.  I admit I judged them, wondering if that's what they did all day.  But once I had Ellery, I realized that whether you're nursing, or rocking a baby to sleep, it's nice to have something to look at while you're just sitting there.  I don't have Facebook anymore, but I spend my fair share of time looking at Instagram, blogs, Pinterest, and googling the best stroller.  (Speaking of which, I have no idea what stroller to get.  Do I get a double stroller?  Or a nice single?  Should I get one that goes with my car seat?  Help, moms.)

Usually I justify my time spent on my phone.  I'm looking up ideas for dinner on Pinterest so that I can plan our meals.  That makes me a good stay-at-home mom, right?  Or I'm researching different ways I can incorporate Montessori at home.  Or I'm reading blogs about how to be a better mom.  A lot of times I'm even reading devotionals or my Bible on my phone.  No one can fault me there, right?

But where I feel convicted is when I'm busy on my phone when I should be spending time with my daughter.  Now I want to be clear that I am in no way making a judgment about anyone else.  I'm not trying to tell others to spend less time on their phones or their computers or watching television.  If you are comfortable with the balance you've set with those things, fabulous.  But I'm not.

I think it's fine when Ellery has occupied herself with something, and I don't want to interrupt her playtime.  Or, of course, whenever she's sleeping.  But it's when I'm on my phone and realize she's looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish so that she can have my attention again, that I feel terrible.  I don't want her to remember her mother as someone who was always more interested in her phone than in her.

And how much do I miss when I'm on my phone?  Ellery is pretty independent and plays well on her own, but there are times I simply watch her pretend to read to her animals, or play with her blocks, and I'm fascinated.  She has such a great imagination and such a sweet nature, and I love having a front row seat to watch her grow.  Lately I've been trying to memorize the way her little voice sounds, filled with inflection while she babbles to her animals.  And the way her hair curls at the base of her neck.  Or the way her eyes light up when she carefully stacks blocks on top of one another.  It's not only a matter of Ellery missing out on a present mother; it's a matter of me missing out on special memories of my firstborn.  I've only been a mother for sixteen months, but I can say without a doubt that time goes way too fast.  And I'll never get these days back, when Ellery wants to play ring-around-the-rosies with me, and can fit through the cat door.

So for me, I want to make it a point to unplug more often.  All the things I can look at on my phone are good things; there's nothing wrong with them.  But good things in excess can be bad.  And I just want to find a better balance of taking time for myself to look at things that interest me, and focusing on being a good, present mother.

Dealing with Hurt Today

Today started out beautifully.  Ellery girl slept in until 7:45.  7:45!  That's unheard of.  Her sleeping has gotten astronomically better since she was about seven months old, but she isn't a naturally good sleeper.  I attribute her long night of sleep last night to my dear lavender essential oils.  I used them religiously when Ellery was young and I was desperate for more sleep, and they worked well.  Then somehow I got out of the habit of putting her oils on.  She recently started waking up in the middle of the night, so last night we used the oils again.  And, success!

Isn't that funny, when you remember something that used to work for you and try it again, and it still works?  And you think to yourself, why did I ever stop doing this?  That's how good habits are for me.  Specifically, eating healthy, exercising, budgeting our finances, and waking up early to read my Bible.  I feel so great when I maintain these habits, but I really have to work at them.  And I can miss one day, and then it's over.  It's terrible that bad habits are incredibly hard to break, and good habits are incredibly easy to break.  From now on, lavender for life.  By the way, I also used lavender on myself last night since I've been having a hard time falling back to sleep whenever I wake up in the middle of the night.  It typically takes me two or three hours to fall back to sleep, so I really haven't been sleeping much at all.  But I slept all night last night!  Thank you, lavender.  Also, thank you, Jesus.

But I should probably talk about the actual subject of my writing for the month - living in the present.  Today I was reminded of a time when I felt left out.  It happened in the past, and yet I still found myself growing increasingly upset as I remembered it.  But why should something that happened in the past rob me of joy today?  It doesn't seem fair that an incident would ruin my day when it happened, and then again when I remember it.  

I decided that part of this experiment of fully embracing the present will include feeling things as they happen.  I don't want to brush things aside anymore, or try to swallow any hurts.  When those hurts resurface, I hurt all over again.  It's like covering a wound with a band-aid, and then picking the scab over and over, just to watch it bleed.  Why prolong the healing?  Why add extra pain?  Doesn't it make more sense to accept things as they happen, deal with them as best I can, and then move on?

So that was the unexpected lesson I learned today.  And here's to hoping I actually remember to do this, like I now remember to use lavender oil to help me and my daughter sleep better.  

And since this month will be all about savoring each moment, I thought I'd list the moments that I savored today.  When we were about halfway through our walk this morning, Ellery decided that strollers are for chumps and immediately started demanding to be let down.  So we spent the last half of our walk with her running happily beside me, holding two stuffed animals and a doll, while I pushed an empty stroller.  Later I took her to a little farm with fun harvest activities for kids.  She got to ride a little train, see some goats and cows, and climb on hay.  She was in heaven.  And my favorite moment was after I read Ellery her bedtime stories and asked her if she wanted Daddy to rock her to sleep.  She took her paci out of her mouth, said "Daddy," and then snuggled into him when I placed her in his arms.  I'm glad they have each other, Sam and Ellery.  I've disappointed Sam with the fact that I'm not much of a snuggler, but that little girl more than makes up for it.  And she melts her daddy's heart every day.  And seeing them together melts this mama's heart.

Living in the Present for 31 Days

This year I've decided to join in with 31 Days and make a commitment to write every day for the month of October.  It's too easy for me to put writing aside in favor of more "responsible" activities or chores.  If I have laundry or dishes to do, (or shows to catch up with on Hulu), I find excuses and think I don't have time to write.  No one really has time to write, and yet people with far more responsibilities than I have somehow make the time.  So enough of me being lazy.  I figure if I actually have a reason or something to write about, perhaps I'll make time for this thing I love.

My topic will be about living in the present moment.  Too often I find myself dwelling on the past or alternatively being worried about or excited about the future.  I know I would be more content if I simply lived in the moment, and yet I have such a hard time with that.  So I'd like to explore this subject, and "force" myself to live in the present for the month of October.  This blog will be where I document that.  Sometimes I'll just write about our day, and other days I might document what I'm learning throughout this process.

Life is too good to miss out on because I'm not focused on each moment.  Ellery is still very small and I don't want to look back on this time and see only a blur.  It's hitting me that the next three months are my last with her as my only baby, and I want to fully experience each day so that I can savor the memories.

I'll have to link up later this week once I figure out how to make a button and actually link up.  (And now that I think about it, perhaps my topic should be "figuring out the computer/technology side of blogging."  Maybe that would make me a better or more consistent blogger...)